overwhelmed by possibility, underwhelmed by ability

for as long as i can remember, i have been a dreamer. the idea that there exists a realm of possibility, where the only limitation is the breadth and depth of the imagination, captivates me down to the grit at the bottom of my soul. and for just as long as i have been a dreamer, there has been an immense, untraversable gap between the reality in which i find myself, and the kingdom of could-be.

when i overheard someone ask how time is viewed, my imagination immediately took off. for me, the essence of time is an enormous tree, whose seemingly fractal network of branches have no end. we may be born at the trunk, but the bulk of life is spent in the branches; there is only movement upward, and as there are an infinite number of possible destinations, so there is an infinite number of decisions to be made at every split in the branches.

the scariest part for me, is the no-do-over of every decision; to decide inevitably involves forsaking some immediate possibilities. it comes at no surprise, then, that i am at best indecisive, and at my worst...well, i guess, really indecisive.

(don't worry, there is a point to all the existential fluff)

i find myself at a fork with many branches about next year. i was (and still am) really excited about going abroad to france to learn french. there is also the opportunity to apply to study in the middle east and pick up some arabic. i think, however, i have heard God whispering in my ear about next year, that maybe i should be a SM. in truth, the last few days have been sort of strange, feeling like i am pulled in all directions, but really in none at all. i would be a fool to refuse God (if it is his voice i hear). how do i come to terms with putting off/canceling my plans, even though they were at best tentative?

as i am writing this, i am realizing the foolhardiness of praying for guidance and purpose and then considering not heeding the rustling of God in my heart. maybe i have already answered my own question.

the sky was blue today
the kind of deep blue that seeps in the cracks of the mind
and makes the soul hum with possibility
and the heart drift in melodies
of songs yet unsung

to stare so deeply that the
trees in periphery silently dissolve
slinking stealthily into nothing
without blinking until the eyes seem to drown
but i dare not close them

for that moment the blue measures
the infinity of God
(MN)

i've been working on the ra--dio (and still am)

so i am at work. living it up as a dj. well, i guess i am not really a dj. but it sounds much cooler than radio announcer. that evokes images of a bearded fellow with a deep, british-accented voice. and other than not having shaved yet, the imaginary man and I have very little in common.

i will admit to being slightly bored. thus, i will gift to you a random fact.

fact: "God will lift up your head" by jars of clay definitely has a coldplay-esque feel to it.

i do hope you have been enlightened. if you are bored and a glutton for punishment, you can listen to me announcing for the next hour and a half here.

i will leave you with the following scene from my first week as a janitor.

i was semi-contentedly washing window glass when i heard someone exclaim, 'i ain't have no idea.' grabbing my headphones and my ipod, i filled my ears with a bbc podcast and got the heck outa' dodge. God bless the queen's english, and may God have mercy on our own.

i promise to post something more meaningful later. definitely something other than a near-allergic reaction to bad grammar. gosh.

yesturday's moment of irony

apparently, in order to apply to be a janitor, i must pass a background check. now, i spent an entire summer working with radioactive phosphorus without any background check. (at least not that i know of) i guess there's a chance that this isn't ironical at all, but the appearance of irony is good enough to make me laugh.

the moral of the story is: people with a criminal record should handle neither vacuums nor bleach, but let 'em have at it with radioactive materials.

now back to my mug of borders chai. sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

you want me to do what with that integral? or, hawaii or bust.

may i just take a moment to say that the last two weeks have been crazy. now, crazy is a filler word that doesn't really describe much about the last two weeks; i am sure there is some deep linguistic principle rearing its ugly head right now, but i have no idea what it is. that being said, i should probably explain [the last two weeks, that is].

after returning on xmas day to work (barbaric, i know), i spent a week and three days honing my dj skills at the radio station. for a person of few words like myself, it sure is ironic to have to talk in order to get paid. but i digress. i had a fair amount of free time that i should have used more conscientiously, but instead of reviewing calculus, i watched far too many tv shows and let myself be generally apathetic.

come last wednesday, i went to my first class of calculus after a two year absence, and promptly, my rear end was handed to me on a platter. it was a bit surreal, like hearing bits and pieces of a melody and trying desperately to remember how the whole tune goes. i left the class in a stupor. which i shook off in french; have i mentioned how much i love studying languages?

fast forward to thursday night. time for me to crank out some calc homework. i sat and stared at the first problem. and stared. my brain was as empty as brittney spears' intellect. [i should be nice, as that is somebody's mother i am talking about.] [brackets are no place for a social commentary, but does that not bother anyone else? hot dang.]

after daydreaming about taking down library terrorists with only a mechanical pencil and my bravery, and momentarily considering running away to andrews to avoid this impenetrable fortress of an assignment, i realized that i needed help. it took me a while to swallow my pride; normally, i am the type of person that has no problem asking for directions when i am lost, but with something that i am supposed to be good at, like math, heck no. in retrospect, this whole internal dialogue was fruitless because the tlc was closed, but the idea that my pride would keep me from finding a solution was staggering. i didn't think that was really my jam. hmm.

couple all that with the fact that i have been dreaming every night for the last two weeks. and i rarely dream--at night, that is. correction: people always dream, so i guess my problem is in the remembering. or at least it was, before two weeks ago. i wonder if that's the first sign of insanity. hmm.

the times, they are a-changin'. or is it just me?

p.s. to lorelei, katie and lynsye, thanks for the offers. i was reading the rules for the video essay, and it would seem that i have to actually appear on camera with my teammate. barring my visiting someone, or vice-versa, i might have to wait till next year to apply. shoot. but thanks anyway, you gals are swell.

p.p.s. oh yeah, about hawaii. umm, 23 days remaining. goodbye, dub-dub-cee (and what little was in my pockets), hello, kaua'i. i'll explain later.

officially more than half serious

i have decided to act on a dream. this differs from my usual entertaining notions of grandeur; the vinyl never leaves the sleeve, and the phonograph is never allowed to scratch out beautiful music, that for which the record is designed. i am going to apply for the next amazing race. i don't feel like there is much chance against the multitudes that are probably applying, but i want to act. i actually don't even have a teammate. and the application, along with video essay, are due january 17th. maybe i should have picked a more reasonable dream. the worst that could happen is that i would have to wait for next year to apply again. i'm gonna do it.

uhh, does anyone want to be my running-mate?