ruminations of an inchoate inconsistent

Testing: the mobile posting

2010-05-03T12:03:00.001-07:00

So, this is how I have been spending the last few days. Immersed in a book in Spanish. Or maybe just treading water. Only one hundred more pages to go. At least it's a good story.

2010-05-03T10:52:00.001-07:00

continuity: so difficult to achieve, or why mangosteen always wins, hands down

2009-07-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a decision to make: describe what I have been doing for the last 37 days, 23 hours, and 9 minutes, or post something random.

I choose random posting. So I stopped by my neighborhood dealer yesterday and picked up 4 kilos for about a buck-sixty. Uhh, of fruit, that is. Two kilos each of mangosteen and rambutan. Sadly, lychee are out of season now--Alban may have gotten me hooked. Just for your cultural edification, that's เงาะ (ngaw) and มัคุด (mangkut) in Thai.

The spiky red and green whatsit on the left is the rambutan, and the bowling ball looking jon't on the right is a mangosteen. Both pretty tasty, but if it came down to a fruity deathmatch, the mangosteen would win every time. So damn good. Mmm.

I'm trying to work up the fortitude to post more. We'll see how it goes. I have to present on my research at the end of this week, so maybe there will be more during the weekend. Back to the powerpoint. Ugh. Righto.

Peas.

before and after

2009-06-01T01:40:00.001-07:00

[sigh] today I cut my hair. or rather, my roommate cut my hair. my scalp is exposed to the elements, and it feels strange after so long without.

before

after

five days, four exams, and one research paper until thailand. i hope I make it...

i love words, or why the average british newspaper spanks its american counterpart

2009-05-27T23:32:00.001-07:00

And I quote,
New York Diary | Politics | The Guardian

Wonderful news, if by "wonderful" you mean "only marginally less enjoyable than unanaesthetised self-trepanation".

Oh, how I love to read sharp, witty words--especially those which require a dictionary. [sigh]

o motivational gods, be ye kind!

2009-05-14T17:32:00.000-07:00

apparently, this blogging thing takes more self-discipline than i've got going on lately. and today is not the day to launch a crusade to publish the world's longest blog post. read: my words will be few.

it's sunny in the double walla. spring has sprung, and there are only twenty-two days left of school before i head off to thailand. the only thing marring that pristine vista is the borderline cataclysmic amount of exams, readings, papers, and preparation to be done. ugh. may the motivation gods be benevolent.

in the interest of civility and succinctness

2009-04-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in five months. Simple procrastination morphed into a horrible aversion to explaining why I haven't posted in so long. The answer: there is no good reason. So in the interest of civility and succinctness, here is a short synopsis of the last five months.

December
Managed to not embarrass myself academically while sitting for my science-y finals. Enjoyed time at home, especially Christmas dinner.

January
Made my own vacation and saw Barack Obama become the 44th president of the United States of America in person. It was totally worth the little sleep, freezing temperatures, and long waits. Also spent time with good friends. Spent the rest of the month catching up in school.

February
Turned 23. Decided to not watch TV for the first month of my 23rd year. Applied for research internships. Offered positions in Thailand and California. Hesitated very little before choosing Thailand.

March
Enjoyed the company of visiting friends. Survived more exams. Got a B+ in a class that I should have aced. Realized that the crappy grade was my fault; should have taken the class seriously. Spent spring break cleaning carpet and reading books. Enjoyed watching the original Star Wars trilogy on the 31st day of my 23rd year.

April
Struggling to stay motivated in school. Enjoying the weather outside, but exasperated by other things. Among those things, realizing that I have gone completely to seed over the winter--nasty revelation.

location: my room, little town, massachusetts

2008-11-23T23:01:00.001-08:00

America is too flippin' big. I left the double walla at eleven. Just under twelve hours later, I am laying in my bed. I played my uke for a few minutes, drank a glass of water, and brushed my teeth. I also discovered that I didn't lose my watercolor set that travelled to Thailand with me and back. Which means, incidentally, that my roommate was right: I did leave it here at home.

I could stay up ridiculously late and wake up even later tomorrow, but there are things to do tomorrow. So I'll just hit the hay. On to laundry and biochem reading in the morning.

Good night.

wee hours of sunday

2008-11-16T02:59:00.001-08:00

It is officially the wee hours of Sunday morning. It's two fifty-two, to be exact. I should be sleeping but I just got back from seeing the new Bond movie. It was intense; there were plenty of close, choppy shots and action sequences, a la Bourne Trilogy. My eyes still are a bit tired from all the furious blinking.

The movie was free. I certainly got my money's worth. Saturday was a long day. Today will be busy. Goodbye, weekend.

more often than not, sundays are terrrible, or, peace and glycolysis

2008-11-09T23:40:00.001-08:00

More often than not, Sundays are terrible. I don't wake up until the afternoon. And despite fervently wishing that the to-do list would have disappeared with the passing weekend, I must complete the thirteen tasks of Hercules in a twelve hour stretch. Oh yeah, and I usually have almost no motivation.

This Sunday was different. I woke up at eight thirty. I ate breakfast and called home and then proceeded to tackle the list. I am pretty good at putting more things on a list than I can get done in a day; today was no exception. But I feel like I did pretty well. I am at peace. I am going to learn two more Glycolysis reactions and then I am going to bed.

week three in the double walla

2008-10-12T01:12:00.001-07:00

Time moves quickly while here at school. My third week here is about to start. There have been two weeks of sorting through new faces to find the familiar, figuring out who to sit with in class, trying desperately to remember how to be a student, and trying to balance all the demands on my time.

It is a bit like jumping on to a moving treadmill. One minute I am at home, and in the next moment, I am attending General Physics at eight thirty in the morning. There are moments when I am still overwhelmed: rusty trombone skills, faltering memory of science classes, meeting new people in waves. I know it will get better. I think it will.

I do miss how simple life was in Thailand. I miss being master of my own destiny. I miss eating cheap, delicious street food.

However, I don't miss not living well. All that is left is to figure out how to do so here and now.

Today was a full day: pumpkin carving, card games, a diner luncheon, bike rides, sore legs, and delicious soup. Tomorrow promises a day packed with studies. Must sleep.

my sweet ride

2008-09-25T23:36:00.001-07:00

This is my bike. I like my bike.

It's older than I am but still a good ride. I haven't named it yet but I will. Suggestions are welcome.

hmm

2008-09-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

I saw this sign while I was walking around in Boston. Ridiculous, no?

i'm just plain lazy, or the map and a short explanation

2008-08-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well after four weeks in Asia, one week in Florida, one week in the Caribbean, and almost two weeks at home, I am finally posting. It's likely a bit late as any readers that I might have had prefer to read blogs with regularly produced content. I am content to write for just myself anyway.

The family reunion was a lot of fun. I met branches of the family that I never even knew existed--so many cousins and "cousins." We all got together at a place in Jamaica and enjoyed each other's company along with good food. The other islands that we visited were pretty interesting as well. I loved eating good Mexican food on Cozumel, and I certainly enjoyed visiting Hell (Cayman Islands).

Travelling by boat (or by bus or train) gives me a sense of how big the world is. Travelling around a hundred and twenty land hours across Asia was grueling, but a clear illustration of the size of our planet. I will not take flying for granted anymore. I'm glad I went and I am very glad for good company during the trip.

The other fellas (Alban and Lance) are still travelling. If you are interested, you can read about their adventures here and here, respectively.

So, as I said, I have been home for two weeks. I think the travel bug has settled down for a nice hibernation. Allow me to clear up any doubt: I love being at home and not travelling. I may love being at home too much--the only thing I have really done is search for a job. As of now, I am still unemployed, so that apparently has gone well. [smirk] What I haven't done is use much of the phone to call anyone: friend or otherwise. I'm just plain lazy. And I hate using the telephone. Ugh. Myspace and Facebook have gone much neglected as well. Hay que esforzarse un poco.

I will catch up. Soon.
_____________________________________

Here is the final, updated map:

more...

not a picture in sight

2008-07-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

Ugh. There are no pictures to post. Why, you ask? Well, it's because the memory card in my camera decided to commit some sort of electronic suicide and corrupt all my pictures. Yep, for the period starting when Alban and Lance arrived in Bangkok until southern Vietnam. Three weeks of pictures lost to some digital void. [insert some mild expletive suitable for parents and friends]

As icing on the cake, my battery charger is also on the fritz. Translation: the only way to charge the battery is to manually hold it in place for three hours or so. The thin silver lining is that I can post a few of the sketches from my journal to break up the monotony. Will do when I can find a scanner.

Peas.

indonesia: shifty taxi drivers, good wings, and a great location

2008-07-10T04:17:00.000-07:00

Still catching up. Here's another installment:

Overwhelming. That was my first impression of Indonesia. Pretty much the complete antithesis of the collected calm of Singapore. Touts were vying rudely for my attention--believe it or not, my name is not 'hello, where you go?' The streets filled with frenetic traffic and sounds of people and daily life. I guess I had it in mind how easy it was to travel in South America; knowing the language makes the life of a traveller much easier. We tried bargaining with a taxi driver with fingers and bills and finally agreed on a price of fifty thousand rupiah for a trip to the eastern coast of the island and the beach. Little did we know that after an hour in the taxi-van, the price would triple to one hundred and fifty thousand--apparently the drivers figured on fifty thou a person. I'd like to believe that it was a misunderstanding, but part of me still avers that it was a case of lighten-the-foreigners'-imagined-money-bags. Ugh. That colored darkly the first hours of our visit to Indonesia. As we settled into our accommodation, however, the memory was quickly overwhelmed by the beauty of our locale.

Indonesia is a country made up of hundreds of islands--some say even arbitrarily placed together as some islands and cultures have very little in common. But I digress. Suffice it to say that we were on the island of Bintan, about two hours from Singapore by ferry. We found bungalows on the eastern side of the island with our own stretch of nearly deserted beach. It was phenomenally beautiful.

We only stayed for the night. But it is well worth the twenty-bucks-a-night price tag. And they had some fantastic chicken wings. Mmm. The next day we headed back to town and by way of the ferry, Singapore. All considered, it was a good stop: shifty taxi drivers, good wings, and great location.

On to Singapore.

too much money for crappy food

2008-07-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I had been writing these posts as we were travelling. (Yes, spell check gods, I prefer two ls in the word travelling.) Let me try and recall all the places and things we have done so far.

I think I left you all in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, right before we departed to Singapore. A bit about Malaysia and KL, then. The state religion in Malaysia is Islam and the architecture of many buildings reflects this fact. The most ubiquitous feature is the eight-pointed star; it's everywhere: the side panels of buildings, sidewalk inlays, and even grates around trees. The only reason I mention this is that it came as such a change to be in a city that enjoys both wise urban planning and beautiful architecture. Believe me when I say that Bangkok has neither.

We had a chance to walk around the city and enjoy all this from street level. Kuala Lumpur is a city in the midst of the jungle and manages to preserve plenty of green space in an intensely urban setting. But I ramble.

Two highlights of Kuala Lumpur: Petronas Towers and Indian food. We had a chance to visit the Petronas Twin Towers, formerly the tallest building in the world at 452m. We were only able to visit as high as the forty-first floor as the Towers are functioning office buildings, but it was free. I suppose we got what we paid for.

The other highlight was delicious Indian food. And it was hecka cheap, to the tune of 2 Malaysian Ringgit (61 cents) for garlic naan and dahl. It was amazing. To contrast, our first night in KL, we decided to chance dinner at a random food stall. We suffered through plates of ginger wine chicken, and then were met with a bill of twelve ringgit a person (about four bucks each). Too much money for a crappy meal. Indian food, luckily, saved the day.

I'm out of battery. More later.

malaysia

2008-06-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It's the second day of my Asian adventure. I am well (mostly). The last few days of teaching and the first day of traveling were harried. I managed to get less than 10 hours of sleep over three days and leave a third of my stuff behind accidentally while rushing to the airport. I'm not even angry. Well... No, I'm not. I did manage to leave behind three pairs of shoes and two journals that I made. Honestly, when you wear a size 15 shoe and you manage to leave pairs of footwear behind, it represents quite a loss. Disappointing, but not enough to be angry at myself.

In a couple of hours, we are off to Singapore. I am counting on being able to write more and post some pictures to season the words.

Peas.

weekend of made things

2008-06-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

I said I was going to post on Saturday, but I didn't finish the journal until last night. I think the whole process could be done in about about 8-10 hours. It took me a bit longer, though; I didn't buy enough end paper initially and was trying to teach someone while making my own. It also didn't help that I am more inclined to be thorough, usually at the cost of efficiency. But I digress. Here's an abbreviated walkthrough from start to finish.

The process starts with plenty of cutting: papers and covers. One cuts the papers and folds them in groups to form what are called signatures. My journal had seven signatures of four pages (two sheets), making a total of fifty-six pages. Krystin is cutting her covers in the picture.

So here are all my signatures together. This group of papers together is called the book block. They are ready to be sewn together and glued.

The book block is clamped so that the glue does not seep too far between the signatures; here it is already sewn, and the glue is drying.

Here is a close-up of the now dry spine. You can see the stitching between signatures as well. After the spine is dry, a piece of mull (I used coarse gauze material) is glued to the spine for extra strength and as a way to attach the book block to the covers.

For the cover, one can buy either book cloth (cloth adhered to paper) or ordinary cloth and simply glue thin paper to the fabric. There isn't book cloth in Bangkok; I backed my fabric with paper then trimmed and covered the binder's board. I didn't take pictures--it was around two am. Here is the book block already glued to the finished book cover.

The last step involves putting in the end papers to cover the inside of the cover and the places where the book block is anchored. Here is a picture of both this book and the smaller journal I made the weekend before. Good times.

The next time you finish a journal, think seriously about making one of your own. It does take a bit of time but ends up being quite fun and rewarding. And heck, who doesn't like something they've made with their own hands.

-----------------------------------------------

In other news, I also made some soup that was pretty good on Saturday night. The soup featured carrots, asparagus, baby corn, and mushrooms and was garnished with green onions and cilantro. It was pretty good. No, strike that, it was really good. Too bad I was the only witness. I did however snap a photo. I am looking forward to inviting people over for dinner when I get back to the States--especially in Walla Walla.

Consider having your own weekend of made things. [insert some anti-consumerist war cry] It is totally worthy it.

let the sushi roll

2008-05-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

This will be a short post. In the handful of times that I have considered posting an entry in the last few months, I have been intimidated by trying to avoid negativity, be honest, and actually write something interesting. Not today, though--it was simply a good day.

Today, Krystin and I made sushi. After a quick explanation from Krystin, I was rolling my own. It's actually pretty easy. And the resulting food was delicious. Best of all, there are leftovers in the fridge. Sushi can be a breakfast food, no? In all, an evening well spent.

On tomorrow's list of things undone: making another hardcover journal from scratch. I'll try and toss some pictures and captions on the blog after it's finished.

Photo caption: Black Sesame Reverse Roll with Asparagus and Carrots. Hot dang, I'm good. [grin]

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In other news, Alban will be here in six days and Lance in eleven. Zoinks!
(That's a cry of excitement for those deprived of a childhood exposure to Scooby Doo.)

journals, books, and burritos

2008-03-31T11:17:00.001-07:00

I have written on (nearly*) all the pages in my Moleskine journal. This means that for the first time in my life, I have actually filled an entire journal. I still lack consistency: the first page has an entry from August of 2006, and I certainly have not written every day since then. Two hundred and forty pages of bottom-of-the-brain dregs from one and a half years of being alive.

On top of that, here is another surprising realization. I was curious to know how many books I had read lately so I consulted the list in the back of my Moleskine. Fifteen books in the month of March. [shakes head in incredulity] I have spent a lot of time this month with my eyes firmly nestled in the pages of books. (Is there a better place? Honestly.) Becoming a member of the British library here in Bangkok just may have been one of the best investments of my recent past. Even better than my weekly investment in Mexican food.

I'd really like to chalk this up as a good month. I think I will.

Tomorrow starts a new month and a new journal. Good.

*There are two pages reserved for writing down which books I have read and will read. So I guess that makes two hundred and thirty-eight pages. Eh, close enough for government work.

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Not Quite Café Terrace by Night

2008-03-22T11:59:00.001-07:00

Not Quite Café Terrace by Night
Originally uploaded by chaayenyen

One of these days, I am actually going to invest in oil paint and instruction. Until then, dear reader, you might have to suffer the occasional bad reproduction of a famous painting.

But they are so much fun.

coffee insomnia

2008-03-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

It's one-thirty in the morning. Having that espresso (and free iced latte chaser) at the neighborhood coffee shop wasn't a good idea. I should know better than to caffeinate myself after six o'clock. [sigh]

My desktop is littered with pages from the academic bulletins of several schools: Walla Walla, Andrews, and UMass. On my real desk, there are pieces of scratch paper covered in calculations and lists and options. I have arrived at a scant two conclusions: one, university is expensive; and, two, I don't know what I want from life. I have neither plan nor goal to organize my life around.

I am listless and frustrated. And I can't sleep. Whatever the opposite of giving up is, that's what I want. To un-give up.

Four and a half hours until tomorrow. Ugh.

books are my drug of choice

2008-03-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

Currently scrunching some wireless. I finished a book today, and I am wary of starting another. Chances are if I start a book, it will keep me up late again. For something like the fourth time this week. There wasn't a new book every night--mind you, I am not that literarily promiscuous--but almost every night.

This last book was titled the The Short and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao (Junot Díaz). I found myself identifying way too much with the protagonist. So much that when the narrative ended with Oscar's death, I curled up in bed with a knot in my stomach and escaped into a nap. Words and stories and characters have a way of crawling under my skin and messing with my mind (I know that's not possible with the blood-brain barrier and all, but it's true). When I read A Million Little Pieces (James Frey), there were moments when I had to turn my head and eyes away from the page because it was too intense; the narrative had drawn me in to the point of needing desperately to hit the mute button.

Does this happen to normal people when they read? Gosh. Why are books so damned powerful? Err, darn powerful. (Depending on your sensiblities.)

no worst, there is none

2008-03-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have tried to write this post hundreds of times. I simply cannot develop an adequate explanation of how bad the last two months have been. There is an entry in my journal that reads

I am not doing as well as I would like people to think. That is why this is on paper in my journal. I don't trust myself to be honest with another person. This may not even make it out of my journal. But I am beginning to become desperate...

I suppose, at long last, the entry has made it out of my journal. But not in its entirety. A small part of the reason why I haven't written a post in two months is that I wanted neither to blacken this blog with the negativity that was bubbling inside nor paint a facade of falsehood about how things were going. A large part of the reason why I didn't blog was because on the bad days I couldn't muster the energy, and on the okay days I was afraid that reflection would cause a spiral into another bad day.

For now, that is as close to an explanation as I can manage. The paint in my memory hasn't yet dried and I am wary of getting too close.

Things are better. The okay days have lately been outnumbering the bad. And, oddly enough, I've been delving into poetry. I covet the poet's mastery of expression.

No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?
My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief-
Woe, wórld-sorrow; on an áge-old ánvil wínce and síng —
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked "No ling-
Ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief."

O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne'er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.

-Gerard Manley Hopkins

I get this. Deeply, where the threads of my soul come together.

i am not a certified iPod specialist, dang it

2008-01-14T22:08:00.001-08:00

I haven't mentioned it yet on my blog, but for the last three weeks my iPod has been slowly giving up the ghost. The hard drive has been plagued with a steady clicking noise, and I have been unable to play any music without the track skipping or stopping all together. Repeated forays into the land of Google Search revealed that my faithful music companion was likely headed for an early retirement. Most of the solutions that I found offered only temporary jaunts back into functionality for my dear iPod. With all this in mind, along with the fact that my iPod is far out of warranty, I decided to crack it open and take a look inside. I was really hoping that the problem would be as simple as a loose cable of some sort. Nope. And it really wasn't that hard to open up the iPod case either. No, the problems came when trying to put to reassemble it. I used to think that the whole Humpty Dumpty fiasco was a load of bunk, but after trying to play iPod doctor, neither king nor men could put it together again (for a good five minutes). I finally succeeded, but, alas, I managed to crack the flippin' LCD in the process. In the upper left corner, of course--the most used part of the iPod screen. Gosh.

The irony: it has been working flawlessly since I opened it up yesterday, albeit with a cruddy screen.

The lesson: I am not a certified iPod specialist, dang it.

one week down, twenty-four more to go

2008-01-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

My first week of classes here in Bangkok is finished. It went well. I keep mentally pinching myself to make sure that things really are as good as they feel right now. Serving as the only SM for four months in Chiang Mai was miserable, at least for me personally. Here, at the English Language School, there are four other SMs. Carignane, Patrick, and Krystin are from the States and Merika is from Finland. I don't think I can really describe the simple pleasure of eating lunch with people who speak the same language that I do. And it would be tough to explain the joy found in just shooting the breeze with other teachers during downtime or in between classes. The realist angel (or devil) that sits on my shoulder whispers that I won't always be this content. But for now, I ignore him; I want to absorb as much of this contentment as I can. Life is pretty dang okay.

Random sidenote: Ask me if I am going to be attending a wedding on Saturday night. And not as a guest, mind you, I am going to be a groomsman. Ordinarily, this would involve knowing the groom. In this particular case, however, being acquainted with the groom (or anyone else in the wedding party) is purely optional. I will be sure to write more after the fact; the wedding should be interesting addition to my weekend.

Peas.

it's not the time that drives one mad, it is the silence

2007-12-30T02:54:00.001-08:00

It has been more than 48 hours since I last spoke to a person in English. I think I am teetering on the brink of madness. Honestly. I knew that getting through the holidays would be tough, but I now know that I really had no idea. I have no idea how to fill the hours. I am the only one of the SMs around Bangkok for the holidays. Wandering the city can only occupy one's attention for only so long. Aargh!! I used to not understand the ubiquitous man-pirates of Thailand. I should explain; a man-pirate is a foreigner, usually older and with the requisite beer gut, that comes to Thailand and hooks up with/coerces/enters into contract with/pays for a young Thai lady to be his companion, rook-partner, or whatever else. To be completely honest, I still don't understand man-pirates completely, but I think I can empathize a little bit. Loneliness is a strong emotion that can drive a person to extreme measures. Do not worry, dear reader, there is no danger of me descending into unabashed man-pirateness. I am currently borrowing a bit of free wireless from one of the supermalls downtown. I spent the day trying to find a decent internet café, but after miles of walking and a few Skytrain rides the café of my dreams is still at large. In hopes of bolstering my spirits, here is a list of positive things in my existence at the moment:1. I don't have ebola.2. I still have four working limbs.3. I ate my first shwarma ever in Little Arabia yesterday. It was hecka delicious.4. The second ever shwarma followed the first rather quickly.5. My sketchbook (read: drawing pad filled with doodles, collages, and words) is slowly progressing.6. I am not in front of a classroom. Amen, and amen. Well, that's it. A quick proofread of this post indicates just how frazzled my brain really is. Right. Well, I am off to: one, see a movie; two, go to a bookstore and read a book which I have no intention of buying; or, three, go back to my apartment, turn on the AC, and hibernate until June, when I can finally go home.

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creativity or bust

2007-12-09T00:45:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, I had this great plan: for one week, just one easy seven day period of time, I was going to draw something everyday. I know that I value creativity and art but I am never disciplined about it. I would much rather buy the occasional art supply and dwell in the realm of could do than actually be willing to practice (and surely create some crummy art) and consistently work towards getting better.

So I gave it my best shot. Sunday went well. I worked up the courage to sketch outside a little; the idea of an possible audience intimidates me to no end. And sure enough, someone stopped. It was a man from Holland, I think. He was on vacation and he really just stopped to say hello. We talked a little about travel and what I was doing with my life, especially here in Thailand. I have no idea why this question always comes up. And neither do I know why the answer is still so nebulous: something to do with languages and maybe chemistry, just to be safe. [sigh]

Monday also went okay. I had a couple of oranges left and so I drew them. Then I ate them. They were delicious.

And after Monday is where things dropped off. I wish I could say that I was too busy. Or that someone came and stole all my pencils and art junk. But that would be a lie. I was just lazy. It wasn't that spectacular of a work week and it ended with me feeling rather unfulfilled. So on Thursday, I messed with some paints and finished with this.

And now it is Sunday again. Three out of seven days. Not what I would call successful. But this is another week. And I will try again.

mocha for one

2007-12-09T00:30:00.000-08:00

As Sunday tradition dictates, I am sitting in a café. I have already finished my mocha, so I am just sitting, thinking, and people watching. There are groups of friends joking and laughing and generally making merry. The couple to my right sit across from one another, one on a laptop, the other pretending to read while actually studying her piece of cheesecake. They exchange occasional looks at one another, but really don't say anything. The pair to my right, wearing coordinated outfits (a little weird), read the newspaper and plink away at some important task on their mobile phones. They talk and make faces at each other, as if invisible to the world. It's kind of cute--err, well, it is, my use of the adjective cute notwithstanding.

I wish I hadn't drank my coffee so fast. But it is hard to drink slowly without the necessary and beautiful interruption of conversation. So I fill my ears with music and think, with intermittent bursts of typing.

I love cafés, but coffee for one is too strong, too bitter.

flippin' cold

2007-11-29T00:40:00.001-08:00

I had no idea that Thailand could be so cold. It's only November and it's already down to the forties or fifties in the morning. Now for those of you who might balk at the idea of cold at fifty degrees, allow me to clarify:

There is no insulation in Thai houses, nor are there single-paned windows to guard against cold breezes.
Concrete floors are the norm in most buildings. If, in some moment of brain-deadedness, you forget to put on socks, you are likely going to suffer frostbite of the lower extremities. (sidenote: in Northern Thailand, shoes are usually shed before entering a home or building.
There is no escaping the cold. The temperature outside will likely be the same inside the house. This is what makes the chill particularly unbearable. And it reduces the morning bucket shower to a strange icyhot experience--splashes of warm water followed by stints in the cold, cold bathroom air.

Right-o. I wish I had brought a couple of hoodies to Thailand. Pardon me while I go absorb some sunshine.

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o, turkey, wherefore art thou, turkey

2007-11-22T23:01:00.001-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. I would be a shameless liar if I said that I didn't wish I were elsewhere today. Anywhere else, really. As long as family and friends were present. [sigh]

So to save the readers of my blog a rambling, melancholic post, here are pictures from better times and places, with infinitely better company.

The fam (I finally remembered, Alan)

My sister

One of my cousins, Jessica

And friends.

simple truths

2007-11-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

Simple truths that have made themselves apparent to me after almost three months in Thailand:

1. The class right after recess in elementary school should be dreaded--most children take the time to imbibe some sort of sugary treat rather than the expected running around and beating each other up. Selling junk food to kids during recess, while admirable in some entrepreneurial sense, should be outlawed.
2. There is Thai food that I don't like and even think gross. Previously, I thought this impossible. What changed? I tried laap dip. And then I realized it was seasoned raw meat. I should have given it more than a cursory examination. [shudder]
3. Rushing to make semi-complex worksheets in less than a half-hour will always lead to mistakes; not surprisingly, it doesn't matter how many times you check it on the way to the copier.
4. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. (see number three)
5. Procrastination leads to stress, stress to bad sleep, and bad sleep to a poor, leaden (as in not buoyant) attitude. (see number four)
6. If your life depends on arriving someplace in a hurry, going by way of elephant will not only leave you sore, but also dead. But they are fun as heck to ride for ten minutes.
7. One doesn't really think much of the humble textbook unless you find yourself teaching without its help. In all your classes. [muttering]
8. The Internet is an amazing, amazing thing. Without it, I would have no contact with friends or family, no cheap phone calls, no BBC or Garrison Keillor on my iPod, and certainly much less sanity.

In other words, has anyone received a postcard in the mail from me? I'm just curious to know if my novel experimentation with the global postal system has borne any fruit. (borne--now there's a past participle one doesn't use everyday; I had to check the dictionary, good grief)

never mind dentistry for 200, unless it is a daily double...

2007-11-06T00:07:00.000-08:00

Today was better. Teaching is a lot about confidence. That was what was missing from Monday. Much like dogs can smell fear, I am pretty sure that students can smell a teacher who is unsure of himself. I felt like I was on the brink of losing control all day Monday, especially with the younger kids. What changed between yesterday and today? After daydreaming of ways to avoid teaching the next day, such as: catching 24-hour malaria, being deported, and breaking both my legs in a freak walking accident, I simply called home. I was overwhelmed. And idealess as to what teaching English actually entails. (Should I teach grammar, conversation, reading, writing, or some other nebulous part of the English language?) So I asked my mom if she had any ideas. And she did. She also gave me a useful piece of advice: just focus on what you will do and don't be distracted by all that you could do.

So I prepared and I prayed for courage and confidence (and apologized to God for being such a Complaining Carlos when things went badly).

And today was better. Besides, I am pretty sure that a root canal falls into the category of Things-I-never-want-to-go-through.

i'll take dentistry for two hundred

2007-11-05T02:02:00.000-08:00

If I had to choose, based on my classes today, to either teach or visit the dentist everyday for a root canal, I would go with the root canal. And unabashedly hug the dentist before and after. Today wasn't that great as far as first days go. I really don't have any idea what I am doing. And that certainly doesn't fly well with primary school kids. Or high school students. I was worried on Sunday. After today, justifiably so.

I don't think I can take 6 more weeks of days like today. I'm off to brainstorm. And lick my wounds.

i hate sudden change

2007-11-01T21:41:00.001-07:00

After approximately two months of doing the same thing every week, it is all about to change. Suddenly. I hate sudden change. I have been team teaching with Thai English teachers in high school since I arrived. However, due to the resignation of a teacher, the whole world is about to be turned upside down into a blender and set to liquify. Well, maybe that is a little dramatic.

The change: now I will be responsible for teaching grades 1-6 along with a smattering of high school classes. And the kicker: I will be teaching all by myself. Normally, this wouldn't cause such consternation on my part (after all, I came here to teach), but this is a school that teaches all subjects in Thai, including teaching English. Furthermore, I am sorry to report that after eight weeks (eight weeks!!!) my Thai is still pretty limited; although, if you need someone to order food for you, I am your man. Essentially, I have no idea how to teach English in English to Thai-speaking people. Especially Thai-speaking people in elementary school. Aargh! To say that I am a little worried is an slight understatement. I am very worried.

what's your constant?

2007-11-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have rediscovered that books are my constant. While the other variables in my life may change--location, responsibility, and community--I will always enjoy reading. I think I could even go so far as to say that I couldn't survive (read: wouldn't live well) without being able to read.

I was planning to pack five of my favorite books to bring with me to Thailand, but in the rush to be packed and ready and actually arrive at the airport before my flight left the gate, I forgot to pack them. The only books that crossed the Pacific were LP guidebooks and a book on teaching foreign language (which has proved to be nothing more than dead weight). Oh, the inhumanity! (I also forgot the charger for my camera battery; hence, the lack of pictures on my blog) The gravity of the situation didn't hit me until I finally recieved and unpacked my bag on my first Sunday. Taking stock of all my belongings, the dearth of books was pretty obvious. That first week was long and tough. There wasn't a whole lot to fill the down time.

The next weekend, however, my boss (Mr. Bell) introduced me to the Raintree Resource Center. The Center's purpose is to provide support for expats living in the Chiang Mai area. My favorite part of the center (and the only part I have ever used) is the extensive library. Seven weeks and fifteen books later, I can honestly say that books improve the quality of my life here; they are my constant.

What's yours?

cambodia

2007-11-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

It has taken me forever to be able to sit down and write about my trip to Cambodia. There doesn't seem to be any good reason why. Things just come up and steal my attention. So I have decided to write when I can, rather than wait for the ever-elusive large block of time.

If, in the family of Asia, Thailand is the well-mannered, well-to-do older brother, then Cambodia would be a broke cousin, who, despite being a little rough around the edges and having a crummy childhood, still manages to smile and work toward improvement. Happily, this cousin happens to have some of the most impressive ruins in the world sitting in his yard.

One would think that seeing Angkor Wat was the highlight of my trip; while seeing the beautiful, ancient structures was a great experience, I enjoyed the time I spent with people in Cambodia the most. I went to visit Trina Yeo, who is an SM at Cambodia Adventist School in Phnom Penh. She teaches the first grade and I had the chance to hang out with her and the kids for the day. Somehow I went from a person collecting tests and turning the occasional jumprope to a person sitting with with four wiggly boys in his lap, trying desperately to read stories for all of them. Her kids are the most loving, energetic first-grade class I have ever been to visit.

I also got a chance to see Liz (we had speech class together at Walla Walla) and to meet Heather from Union (College in Lincoln, Nebraska...pushin' the pen and slingin' the ink along--I always hear the song in my head). It was so good to hang out with other people my age and talk in English. Seems sort of silly-sounding now that it is on paper, but it is easy to take something as normal as talking in English for granted.

We four tried to do a bit of sightseeing, but quickly discovered that much of Phnom Penh is closed or deserted during the holiday of P'chum Ben. We ended up at a café and just had some chill time. Random fact: Heather is a big Oprah fan. In fact, we ended up playing an impromptu game of Stump-Heather-with-Oprah-trivia. She knew the answer to almost every question without hesitation. In short, I was amazed.

During the next few days, the four of us split up. Trina and I went to Siem Reap, home to Angkor Wat, while Heather and Liz hung out in the capital. Angkor was pretty dang cool. Traveling by bus was as monotonous as I remember from Argentina. Hanging out with Trina was as fun in Cambodia as in the double Walla. All in all, a very good time.

It wasn't a very long visit to Cambodia--only five days--but it went as vacations usually do: quickly. It was well worth every penny that I spent to get there. Leaving was hard. Heather asked (in jest, I think) if I wanted to stay. I would have said yes if it were only as easy as speaking the words. For a few days I got to experience community. It was beautiful. It even caused symptoms of withdrawal when I returned. (see below post entitled community)

So thanks to three ladies of Cambodia for letting me hang out and enjoy your good company.

fast update

2007-10-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I need to go to class. But updates are coming. Cambodia and much, much more.

Peas.

community

2007-10-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy; the lack of people to talk to leaves me with the occasional internal monologue that narrates my day. The only time that it gets let out is when I write. There are few people that I easily relate to and even fewer people with a sufficient command of English to have an in-depth conversation. I guess today I am suffering the acute effects of a lack of community. No one asks me how my day is going that really cares about my answer. There is no Thursday night bible study (read: ice cream and chill time with friends) and there is no one to share my free time with (read: no day off camp style). I hate feeling isolated.

I could kick myself for each time I decided to eat by myself in my room at Walla Walla, or opt out of some get together for no good reason. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. It is one thing to choose alone time (albeit a poor choice), it is another thing entirely to have no other option.

This isn't the adventure that I imagined. All the bold explorers had crews or mates or other people in their parties. I always think of Lewis and Clark. Lucky bums. To explore the Northwest with friends and crew. [sigh] Hundreds of years and tens of thousands of miles separate me from their expedition, but it doesn't stop me from being jealous. When I get metaphorically shot in the rump, there is no Clark to pick the buckshot out my arse and give me a band-aid (it's a true story, look it up--except for the band-aid, I think).

I am learning the hard way--or, perhaps I am being taught--the importance of community. No man is an island, and he would be hard pressed to survive as a peninsula. I thought I could handle this. Maybe I can. Just not right now. Not today

digging for gold, or, eww, gross

2007-09-25T22:06:00.001-07:00

It's Monday, and i am helping to proctor exams. So far i have seen three people pick their noses. And not the kind of discreet nose picking when you feel as if something is about to fall out of your nostril during an important meeting. No, this is the full-on, finger-in-to-the-second-knuckle-kind of digging for gold. It's gross and funny, all at the same time. Maybe taking tests is like being in a car; by virtue of driving or writing an exam, one feels invisible and therefore capable of doing whatever without being seen. Yep, in case you couldn't tell, I am dangerously bored. [sigh]

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naturally, people who ride bikes are called cyclists and those who ride motorcycles are called bikers.

2007-09-25T22:05:00.001-07:00

On Sunday, I took myself to Chiang Mai, the city that is about 35 km away. I rode there on the motorcycle, by myself, on the left hand side of the road, without killing myself. It was actually kinda fun. That is, besides the fact that I went around the block 3 times just to get to the mall--apparently one must drive aggressively in the city. I am not much of an aggressive driver. I will either learn, or become used to missing my turn and going 'round in circles forever. In other news, I bought a cell phone. And it has a built-in flashlight. Remind me again why we don't have these ingenious things in the United States. Hmm, that's right, we are concerned with features like Bluetooth and video capture. Ha. Just kidding. I am unabashedly a nerd and I like phones with crazy features. But who can beat the simple utility of a flashlight? And if you get bored, feel free to call. I'm pretty sure you can use Skype or something for super cheap. Here are my digits: 011-66-810200203. I am 11 hours ahead of the East Coast and 8 hours ahead of the West Coast; translation: as much as I like all the people that read my blog, I may be a little cross if you call me at three in the morning. Expect random phone calls from me, whenever I get the chance/shell out for the phone cards.

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the hawg

2007-09-25T22:04:00.001-07:00

This is me. Oh yeah, I had to get a haircut. I forgot to mention that, I think.

This is my hawg. Crappy paint job, I know. Some students tried to improve what they thought was an old-looking bike. They probably shouldn't persue a career in auto detailing. In the end, I suppose it is the thought that counts. It doesn't have a name yet. Maybe one will come to me.

This is me on my hawg. This bike is how I get around. Without it, I am not sure what I would do. The nearest town with a bank is about twenty minutes away--Mae Malai. The closest city is about seventy minutes away--Chiang Mai, the second largest city in Thailand. Translation: I am about two lefts from the middle of nowhere, and without the bike, I would likely turn into a vegetable of some sort, most likely a beet. Yuck. Granted I haven't driven a motorcycle regularly before. But I am discovering that I really enjoy it. The gas mileage certainly leaves no bitter feelings. Maybe I should buy a motorcycle/scooter when I return home...

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teaching

2007-09-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Some people have been wondering how teaching has been going for me. So after almost two weeks, here the synopsis:

Chiang Mai Adventist Academy is a boarding school with around 680 students. After asking around, it seems like that number includes the boarding elementary school as well. It's pretty amazing that you can be a boarding student from grade one through grade twelve. I can't imagine leaving home at age 6--good grief!

Mayatom (where I teach) covers grades 7-12 and each class is divided into 3 sections according to grades--section one is the best, section two is mediocre, and section three has the worst students. I often ask myself, "Are they poor students because they are in the third section or are they in the third section because they are poor students?" It doesn't seem right to me, but who knows, maybe it builds character.

There are eight periods every day and I teach between three and five of these periods. Well, I wouldn't say teach exactly. Since I don't speak Thai and I am not a certified teacher, I team teach with other instructors. In some classes, I assist teachers with their activities; these are my favorite because it feels like I am helping students work toward learning something--like I am an important part of a plan. In other classes, I am essentially the teacher. I have to come up with activities that get students involved with using English. That part I can handle. However, making sure that my activities are useful/relevant is difficult. In these classes there is no overarching plan to guide the scholars. I run about like a little dutch boy, trying to stop all the leaks in the dike with my fingers, all the while knowing that I am doing very little.

Either way, it is certainly good practice for going to Bangkok and teaching by myself

This is the week before exams. I am excited to be able to travel a little bit. And plan for my classes as well. Not to mention seeing other SMs. It will be good.

Peas.

snapshots (to catch you up, dear reader)

2007-09-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

I sleep fitfully on my last leg of the trip, no, journey to Chiang Mai. So many questions buzz in my head. I try to distract myself with music, but it fails miserably. So I decide to confront them. Am I really going to live 10,000 miles from home? Yes. Can I live 10,000 miles from home? I am not sure but I will soon find out. I have never taught English--can I do it? Only time will tell. How will I live as the only SM my age? I'll find out.
We land in Chiang Mai and I breeze through Immigration. Standing in front of the baggage claim belt, I wait. And I wait. Then, I wait some more. I am brought to the realization that my bags are lost somewhere, hopefully on this side of the Pacific. Luckily, I brought a change of clothes. Little do I know (what a great phrase--you would have to see the movie) that the clothes have to last me till Sunday. Today is Thursday.

2007-09-12T01:59:00.000-07:00

They drive on the left side of the road in Thailand! I had absolutely no idea. I have a feeling that it will take me a long time to learn to drive my motorcycle without maiming myself.

2007-09-12T01:58:00.000-07:00

I look at my watch. It's three am. Eventually, I doze off.
I look at my watch again. Now it's four am. I lay on my back and sigh. Finally after what seems like an eternity, I fall back asleep.
Awake again. I look at my watch; five-thirty stares back at me. This time I just lay there until the sun comes up. Here there is no sunrise. It's dark and then it's light; I never jump out of bed like the sun. I hear its bad luck.

I guess these are the joys of jetlag. Arrgh! Today is Friday.

2007-09-12T01:57:00.000-07:00

I wake up at three o'clock in the morning (are you sensing a trend?). There is no going back to sleep. As the dark morning passes, I begin to realize where I am and conjecture about what I've gotten myself into. I am overwhelmed. Very much so. I being to think about how fast I can pack. And if there is enough money in my account to buy a ticket home. Since I haven't recieved my luggage, packing would be easy. And I have just enough to purchase one-way passage to Boston. At least, I think so.

As thoughts swirl around my brain, I realize I am edging ever closer to panic. I pray and I tell God exactly what is going on in my mind--as if he already doesn't know. After praying, I fill my ears with The Chronicles of Narnia (thanks, Alan). My troubled mind relaxes as I am drawn into the familiar story of Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. After a time, I fall asleep. Praise the Lord. Today is Sabbath.

2007-09-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in church with my boss and his wife. We have been lucky these past few days as there is a pastor visiting from Andrews. His name is Chester and he is loud-spoken and friendly. Actually, as I find out, he is the voice of Uncle Dan from Your Story Hour. So I should revise that--he speaks loudly, is friendly, and enunciates very well. Not to mention being a wise and thoughtful fellow who was a missionary to Thailand in the 60s.

He uses me as an object lesson in his sermon. he talked about leaning on someone more powerful than him as an analogy for leaning on Jesus. He invited me to the front and leaned on me. It spoke powerfully to my heart. Such a simple idea, but lifesaving in practice--especially for an SM who is slightly overwhelmed and a little homesick.

2007-09-12T01:52:00.001-07:00

Thai potluck. Sweet mercy, these people can eat! I wish I had brought my camera. The pavilion outside of the church is replete with church members, teachers from the school, and the newly baptized members. And everyone brings food. Dishes of rice, noodles, chicken, fish, vegetables, curries, fruits, and strange crunchy things, along with others I don't recognize, pack the table. I eat. I eat very well.I eat my very first papaya salad. Sweet and tangy and spicy mixed up together, storming the tongue all at once. So delicious. Thai food is very delicious. Aahaan thai aroi maak khrap.

อาหารไทยอร่อยมากครับ

I practice this phrase in Thai. I live this phrase in Thai

oh, to be 5'3" again, or, are we there yet?

2007-09-05T16:53:00.001-07:00

Shoot, I had an entire post composed, and then my blogging client crashed, tossing the whole thing into some digital void. Arrgh!! I will try to remember the highlights.

I have been traveling for twenty-five hours. Eighteen of those hours in planes of varying degrees of spaciousness. Particularly the last flight from Seattle, thirteen hours and the least space of all. Unlike my fellow passengers, I was the only one with my knees jammed into the seatback in front of me. Oh, to be 5'3" again! Regardless of cramped conditions, I am excited to be on an adventure. And excited to already be in a place where I can't understand the language; Taipei is foggy and humid, although that may stem from the fact that I am enjoying free internet alongside a steamy noodle shop. (And by steamy, I don't mean risqué--gosh!)

In fact, I may go find myself a little something to eat. Maybe from the steamy noodle shop, who knows?

One flight left to go. Are we there yet? Nope. Patience, grasshopper, patience.

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time waits for no man

2007-09-02T21:27:00.001-07:00

I am laying in bed realizing that there are but 42 short hours until I leave. I am not ready. I repeat, I am not ready. But I did finish my SM letter. Here is a copy. Any feedback is appreciated, especially if you are an astute grammarian.

Time for bed. Peas.

off to thailand, or sweet orange shorts

2007-08-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

it' s official. i am going to thailand. aaahhh!! (cry of excitement) to be honest, it has been official since early this week. on tuesday, i went into town--translation: i drove two hours to boston. after a quick jaunt through the dentist's office--uncomfortable discovery: two freakin' cavities--and a brisk flirt with a drill and novocain cocktail (not in that order, i still like my dentist), i was off to buy my ticket before heading to the consulate-general. in and out of the library (free internet) in 20 minutes. minus eight-hundred-odd dollars, that is. and it's only a one way ticket. at this point i can't come back. flipping scary...err, sort of.

so mom and i were jaunting around downtown boston trying to find the blasted consulate. at some point the consulate moved across town, thus there were two addresses listed. arrghhh!! we finally found it (after being told adamantly that the consulate had moved to new york--it hadn't) and i was in and out in less than ten minutes. less than ten minutes!! it was amazing.

i went to quincy market to celebrate and treated myself to my second sushi roll ever (spicy tuna--absolutely delicious) and a slice of white pizza with chicken and broccoli. all things considered, a marvelous afternoon. that is, besides the fact that it cost me about a thousand bucks...including sushi and pizza for 8 bucks.

so in honor of all these new developments, i decided to experiment with watercolors and illustrate a little something. an important discovery: there is a reason that illustrators use waterproof ink--it runs like crazy on low poundage paper. here's the result:

boston to chiang mai, thailand by way of seattle and taipei (quick, name that country). thirty-one plus hours in transit. as alan would say, "a kick in the head."

and that's all folks. except for these sweet orange shorts i found in a drawer. yes, i am rockin' 'em. and no, i probably won't wear them in public. a little short for my liking, especially when sitting. too much information. my bad.

insomnia, oh, sweet insomnia or, I am content, albeit an idle contentment

2007-08-20T23:21:00.001-07:00

Most of the world at this late hour is asleep. Why am I awake, then? It may be because I decided to try a Vanilla Coke at 2100--which was rather tasty, even though I am not a big soda fan. Or perhaps because I woke up at noon today, and my day has finally eeked past the 12-hour mark. Then again, I could be awake because magical hedgehogs are sucking all the sleepiness out of my room so they will be tired enough to hibernate all winter. Unlikely. I think I am going through summer camp withdrawal. There is a dearth of people, tasks, and schedules to deal with. [taps chin in gesture of thought] Frankly, I think I miss camp. Go figure; apparently, the grass is always greener on the other side. At camp, I was eager to find myself on my day off, and now, when I am off, I long to be occupied at camp. Essentially nonsensical. In the words of the great Trina Yeo, "whatev..."

And that's all for now. Yes, I know this post has little point. It was an exercise in making myself actually do something constructive. Anything to keep myself from melting into a puddle of absolute uselessness. (Really, puddles are quite useless--just let yourself stew on that one for a while)

the list, or dial-up no longer

2007-06-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my room in my faux papasan chair, thoroughly enjoying a moment of idleness. While the mantra of "so much to do in so little time" still holds true after the madness of school and exams, I am enjoying at least the change of location. It's a comfortable 80 degrees with a light breeze, and I would be outside were it not for the early appearance of mosquitos.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. [figurative leap of joy] We have DSL!! And a wireless router!! NO MORE DIAL-UP!!!

Yes, I really was just shouting...well, sort of.

Let's see, umm, well, what else is going on? I finally narrowed down my list of possibilities for SMing next year (yes, you grammarians out there, I just invented a verb). [sticks out tongue] In case you are curious, here it is:

1. Chiang Mai, Thailand - Teaching ESL
2. Bangkok, Thailand - Teaching ESL
3. Taipei, Taiwan - General HS Assistant
4. Hong Kong, China - Teaching HS Sciences
5. Beijing, China - Teaching ESL

It took me forever to decide the order. And needlessly so, I might add; when I finally emailed my list to the student missions office last tuesday, I had the epiphany that God can surely manage to put me where I need to be in spite of my making a list. That is really comforting. Because along with being a generally indecisive guy and seasoned procrastinator, I am an occasional worrier, mostly about making mistakes. Fortunately, there are few mistakes in life that are irreparable, and of those, fewer are that life-shattering. Now if only I really believed that....

Right-o. Oh yeah, one more thing. I am trying to decide how I should write my fundraising letter. And since I would love to avoid the standard form letter, I have been working on some sketches. Feel free to leave some feedback, be it positive or not.

mid-concert wondering, or Robert Washburn is my hero

2007-05-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in a cathedral writing on an old program while the orchestra weaves an oboe concerto around my head. Its a grand way to warm the ears and soul. I wonder if beautiful music is like incense to God, a sweet fragrance of sound that manages to praise Him despite our involvement.

As I look around, I ask myself if we have lost something of the glory of God in our worship; here in St. Andrew's there is beauty and praise everywhere, from the rich, wine-colored carpet under our feet to the vaulted ceiling high above our heads. Every molding and pane of stained glass stands to portray the glory of God to the believers.

I will admit that I have been asking a lot of questions of myself lately, especially as I am going abroad as an SM (don't ask where, I don't know yet). Questions like what I know of God and whether I truly believe in the God that my culture believes in. I know these are fundamental questions. And maybe I shouldn't be asking them. But I don't want to bear false witness--literally. How can I share what I am not sure I believe? How do I articulate that which I don't understand?

Now the orchestra is playing a sinfonietta composed by some modern or postmodern composer. It is a harsh, syncopated field of bows beating on strings with moments of strong, deep melodic lines. As much as I would like my life, especially in spiritual things, to be smooth as an aria, more often it resembles crazy 20th century music: moments of beautiful melodies amidst much friction and harsh bowing of strings.

And this is where it gets difficult. I would love to wrap up this entry with some great parcel of hope. But I am a realist, striving for optimism while occasionally tripping into pessimism. So I'll say this: The God in whom I believe is big enough for doubts and questions just as He is big enough for beauty and glory. So maybe it's more a grain of truth than a parcel of hope. For now, it suffices.

Être capable de chanter les deux pieds dans la merde

2007-05-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in the TLC. I would be French tutoring were there anyone here. But, alas, only my paper and I sit here. Frustratingly so. I am stuck. There happens to be a golden, crinkly Werther's Original wrapper sitting on the table, and somehow, it has become the most interesting thing in the room.

Okay. Enough. If I don't divert this monologue away from academics, I don't think I will be able to hold back the dam of raging, largely self-directed negativity. So, what else to blog about?

[long drawn-out pause]

I'm trying really hard to find something, but the science tutoring people are outside loudly discussing their oh-so-planned and bright futures that involve professional schools.

Aargh!

I give up. Maybe tomorrow. The minute I have something pleasant to post, I will do so. But I'm a realist. [quickly removes hand from keyboard]

Right.

Peas.

apparently i need new cologne, or eureka!

2007-05-16T00:19:00.000-07:00

I understand now. It must be my cologne (or lack thereof). I have discovered an amazing talent for repelling people. Take for example my studying in the fishbowl--as in right now. When I came in, there were few people and none that I knew. So I sat down by myself. After a while some people that I do know happened in and, lo and behold, they wave hello and sit elsewhere. This happens not just once but multiple times. Same thing happens in chapel. I have plenty of room next to me, but people just wave and pass me by. And the bus, on tour. And the classroom. I am beginning to develop a complex. Either that or a neurosis. Or is that psychosis? Whatever.

I think I am going crazy. A lonely, embittered crazy. And it certainly doesn't help that I am super hungry and everything in College Place is closed. And I am out of jelly for sandwiches. Unfortunately, peanut butter and jelly has become a major food group. So essentially I am spiraling downward into a deep, dark oblivion of despair. Just kidding. But really. I need some jelly.

I quit.

scratch where it itches

2007-04-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to a drive-in theatre with cool peoples. I was going to study. Precisely when I most needed an out from solitary study, one appeared. It was the best part of my Sabbath/Saturday.

Thanks for the invite, Trina.

busy, busy, busy; or dancing sprinklers

2007-04-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Another afternoon in the studio. While I wouldn't count this as free time, it certainly has plenty of slow moments. As I am writing this, I am thinking about the last two weeks and the abject lack of anything to blog about. Usually I have something stewing in my brain every couple of days, but, sadly, I have had nothing. The fact that I am much more busy this quarter may have something to do with it. I decided to join choir and I Cantori this quarter, in addition to working just under twenty hours a week to pay for school. So between the music department and my jobs (and fierce independent streak), I am pretty much not my own. Don't mistake this for a complaint; it is merely an explanation for my checked-outedness and elusivity (I sure hope that is a word--I'm pretty sure there are rules against two made-up words in a sentence) for those you that are around me. If nothing else, this quarter I am better learning to manage my time. I am pretty sure that is the only way that I can survive with my gpa semi-intact. The only problem is trying to fit all the things and people that are important into the time that I have.

Actually, now that I am taking the time to write, things are starting to emerge from the murky depths of my brain. The week before last, before I realized that procrastination would be my undoing, there were a good number of late nights (now that's an ironic adjective--late nights spent studying are rarely good). As I was walking back from the fishbowl at two a.m., I just stopped and watched the sprinklers. Now it could be just a product of my eccentric brain, but i thought they were beautiful. The night was cold and crisp and the jets of water danced slowly over the moonlit green; the hiss of flowing water was quiet, just a whisper against the silence of early morning. It filled me with peace--albeit twinged with fatigue. It's the sort of moment you wish you could have shared with someone. Too bad all the sane people were in bed. Though, I admit, I would have even enjoyed the company of someone a bit less than sane.

I suppose that is the worst thing I have discovered about being busy: you are always occupied, but most often by yourself. It's pretty lame and I am not sure how to fix it. So that's the update.

Peas.

i would love to be an illustrator

2007-03-31T00:10:00.000-07:00

i'll be honest. i have been in a strange sort of funk for the last month. after reading some of my previous posts, i think it has sort of seeped into my writing. that being said, i live for the moments of non-funkiness. i had one of those tonight.

some people read on friday nights, others go to vespers and chat, and still others sleep. tonight i went to vespers, and was captivated by the awkward beauty of the banjo's sound. vespers was all music, and good music it was. i then went to my room and shamelessly imitated one of my favorite painters. it was the most enjoyable two hours of my day. now, i am sure i am not destined to be any sort of art forger, but i think, somewhere in my consciousness, i would enjoy being an illustrator. great. another thing to add to the list of things that intrigue me.

here's the result:

i figure if you can tell who the original painter was, it's a decent reproduction. you can tell, right?

competing visions of hell

2007-03-30T00:15:00.001-07:00

in my warped mind, hell is

a) an enormous music rehersal, in which you are the last act to practice. the number of groups before you is infinite and time passes slowly whilst you sit in limbo, instrument in hand, vaciliating between staying and leaving, being ready and missing your chance. you are hardly more useful than a human vegetable.

b)having your hands tied behind your back while wearing a one hundred percent wool sweater with no undershirt in a hot room where the windows don't open.

i think b is worse, although i hate long, drawn-out dress rehersals. what's the point of this rather gloomy post? i am just trying to make myself feel better about studying in the fishbowl by myself after midnight. [sigh] it's pretty miserable. but it sure beats hell by a long shot.

there must be a better way to study.

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0137

2007-03-27T01:43:00.001-07:00

its 0137 hours. down the hall, someone is playing coldplay on an acoustic guitar. i like coldplay. but i am more ambivalent about my music tastes at half-past one in the morning. i think that it might be the ra. does any one else see the irony in this? my tired brain yearns for unconsciousness.

peas.

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a good day, after many that wouldn't qualify

2007-03-17T18:26:00.001-07:00

today is one of those days. one of those days when the beauty of the world inspires joy that just can't help but come out through your face. i close my eyes and the sun lightly toasts my cheeks. the cool breeze, however, keeps the sun from really showing its muscle--it's late afternoon. a nearby willow tree more resembles an avian apartment complex than its ordinarily quiet and graceful form; the springtime sun and breeze apparently inspire the birds to break out in a raucous chorus of song. not sure that it's destined for any top ten lists, but my ears (and the rest of me) are enjoying the soundtrack to a beautiful sabbath afternoon in march. and the sky. they say simple minds enjoy simple pleasures; for me it doesn't get any better than sitting outside under an expansive dome of deep cerulean. so i guess sign me up for a life as a contented simpleton.

i suppose that this is the peace after the storm of exams. and i insist on stocking up on sun and feelings of contentment to last for the worst of spring quarter. i suppose the best and the worst thing about the passage of time is the unchangeability of the past and the hope of change in the future. you can be the judge of which is good or not-so-good. i just desire to be big enough to inspire and weather the change to be.

last night, i was laying in bed thinking about the future. i should have known better. all sorts of questions bumbled around my brain: big ones, small ones, some as large as your head. [smirk] i wish I could say that i found some sort of solution for my quandaries, but i didn't, and i don't expect to anytime soon. maybe part of growing up is learning to accept the incertainty that is inherent in life. but that's not to say that it is easy and neither is it to say that I am anywhere near grown up [have mercy]; it's simply an admonition (mostly to myself) to let life unfold and unravel its adventure at the speed of the farm, no faster than growing grass.

and like the springtime sun that imbues the earth with renewal and joy and causes the grass to grow at its pace....well, i suppose the spiritual parallel can go without saying. i don't think i would make a very good devotional writer. i would probably leave the spiritual things up to the individual reader to discover. no use trying to soak people in religious jargon to inspire spirituality. and there goes my meandering brain, off on some quixotic tangent. i should quit while i'm ahead, or at least while i'm not being lapped.

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ugh!

2007-03-13T02:20:00.001-07:00

forty hours since the last time i saw my pillow. never again. ugh!

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you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it

2007-03-11T18:06:00.001-07:00

there is a eight to ten page research paper due tomorrow. i procrastinated. i finally started. i realized that all my work was on the wrong topic. i spent an hour lecturing myself on how horrible of a student i am and how it is finally catching up with me. and now, now i am just despondant. i have contemplated quitting school. seriously. that's how bad i feel like i'm in it. i wish the earth would swallow me up.

oh yeah, then there is the one thousand plus pages of reading to do before wednesday. yep, in case there was any doubt, i am an academic idiot.

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damn the demons, or happiness is not an empty laundry basket

2007-03-05T00:14:00.001-08:00

today was a day when all my shortcomings decided to attend a conference, from which they promptly sent me a manifesto containing a concise definition of who i am and a list of that which i impotently strive after. i am ready to throw in the towel and go on vacation. an inconvenient truth, however, is the certainty that you follow yourself wherever you go. thus, the impulse to run away is irrational, and basically no better than chasing your own tail. yeah. ask a dog; while entertaining (read: distracting), the best case scenario ends with you biting your own butt.

i'd like to ban my shortcomings from free speech. just thought i'd throw it out there. usually, when the fault squad shows up, i begin to clean. call me neurotic (as opposed to psychotic--seriously, look it up), call the cleaning a form of escapism, fine, but i am not crazy. there is a distinction. besides, i find it mildly cathartic to tidy up where i live. actually, i am aching to clean right now. statement of fact: this translates to the fact that i am stressed, and really annoyed with myself because the stress is self-induced.

gosh. and yes, that was a euphemism. damn those demons. and that would be a dysphemism.

[insert horrible segue] i was doing laundry today, and i spotted the following maxim on the box of powdery all:

happiness is an empty laundry basket.

after a bit of contemplation, i realized that the phrase was complete bull. unless one's laundry is done completely in the nude, you will always have dirty clothes, and, subsequently, a laundry basket that is somewhat less than empty. all in all, it appears that happiness is unattainable, at least as it pertains to laundry. i am ok with that. i strongly dislike laundry anyways.

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

i am clinging to the hope that everything's not lost.

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like van gogh's starry night skies, my mind swirls

2007-02-14T23:52:00.000-08:00

it's just after eleven p.m. here on the west coast. it was a crazy day. i slept, maybe, a little over an hour last night. which i am sure served to make today just that much crazier.
today, i...

sat for a spanish test--stayed up all night studying--that took me four minutes to finish. yeah, i'm bitter.
rushed to finish the last bits of french homework before eleven a.m. i didn't make the deadline. but there was grace. and the church said amen.
was accosted on the way to lunch, and forced to attend i cantori practice. it was pretty cool, albeit surreal, to be back in a choir setting again. i guess i am seriously considering joining.
had a voice check for the radio. apparently things are going swimmingly. i have a cool boss.
discovered, which left me rather dumbfounded, that my photo assignment this week was off-campus. so i bummed a ride from my roommate, and promptly got lost in WW looking for the silly holiday inn express (mutter/mumur). however, any annoyance with my abject lack of an internal compass was assuaged by the thought that i might have my first picture in the collegian tomorrow. woot woot.
worked. as a janitor. in the wec. sentence fragments. i know. it's for emphasis. on how much i love it. [sarcasm]
played in jazz ensemble. it is the highlight of my wednesday.
tried to practice, but i was tragically locked away from my trombone. too bad i have a lesson tomorrow. may the music gods smile on me. maybe i should burn a cd to garner blessings. [snicker]
was forced out of my state of indecisive complacency about this summer. at around ten o'clock in the evening. imagine that.
am sitting at my desk, blogging instead of sleeping.

i am realizing that there are a great many things that i must do before the end of the week. but my soul is not despondent; in fact, i feel a funny sense of contentment. is this what happens every time you successfully make a decision? well, snap. sign me up for a lifetime of decision making. (to self: relax, homey. idealism is soo overrated these days. you are an incorrigible indecisive. embrace it.)

wow. time for sleep. before any other strange blips from my brain escape through my fingertips.

one last thing:
from last thursday's bbc podcast. a discussion about cosmopolitan magazine and its fixation on sex, rather than its original purpose of content that would empower women. in a moment of verbal acuity, columnist caroll saala states, "it's like walking into a gynecologist conference, without the brain power." i laughed for a good two minutes. by the end of the segment, the editor representing the magazine was tending the wounds effected by the columnist's sharp wit. it was great.

oh yeah, the photos

2007-02-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

the fellas.

the sweet pad.

a part of friday's beach.

the na pali coast, as seen from the trail.

the sunset on taro marshes in hanalei valley.

ode to cradle roll, or kauai (part 2)

2007-02-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

instead of tackling the formidable list of things that i need to do before week's end, i am formulating a post, whilst giving the ears a good soak in some ellington. in reality i'm just medicating myself; i think its a combination of acute blue-sky withdrawal, stress over how i will get everything done, and preoccupations about this summer and the school year to follow.

it's not as bad as it sounds. on some subconscious level, i know that there are sunny days coming, that somehow i will get everything done in time, and that worrying about a future that is divinely taken care of is pure foolishness. but i am a grade a worrier and old habits die hard, as you may gather.

but enough banter. i should finish recounting the adventure.

friday:

the beach. almost enough said. deliciously warm water--the color blue rivaled only by the finest aquamarine. as a chaser to the briny marinade, a good soak in the sun accompanied by a good book*. who could ask for anything more?

*status anxiety, alain de botton; when i get a chance, more shall be written.

saturday (or whatever else you would like to name it) (as not to offend the pygmy jewish eskimos)

late morning. the soundtrack of the river behind our house providing the perfect accompaniment to a bowl of granola. we headed to church, only to find ourselves arriving just in time for sabbath school. it was one of those strange churches where sabbath school comes after church. what odd ducks! i mean honestly, it's the like the 4th law of inertia: for every sabbath school in motion, there is a greater service that must and does follow at precisely 11 o'clock.

after about five minutes of adult ss, i heard--with great envy--the invisible waves of fun emanating from the cradle roll room across the courtyard. oh for the days when all you needed to know about the christian walk could be summed up on a felt board with a few cheerful songs and great noisemakers. [sigh] there was a pretty spanking potluck. after which, we headed to the beach. all things considered, a very good day.

this wasn't meant to be a three-part series about kauai, but i must go to the stack of homework. before i leave, here's a small dose of alexander pope. [don't worry, i am not that well read; it's from a quality film i finished today]

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ...(207-209)

question of the day: sometimes it is tempting to want to forget, but is it really what we want?

a chllly 63 degrees, or the constitution of a man

2007-02-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

it is good for the constitution of a man to walk a sun-mottled beach, in search of the perfect spot to plunk himself in the briny aquamarine and contemplate his priorities

i could sit under this skylight everyday and watch the world pass by in swaths of deep blue, dotted by puffy white. however, i think it is too cold. while i may skirt the danger of lynching for the following comment, it must be said; it's about 63 outside and i am sitting in my boxers, wrapped tightly in a blanket, all the while praying fervently that 100% wool hoodies will begin to rain from the sky. there is a good chance that upon returning to walla walla and its dirty mop water colored skies, i will simply shrivel up and die. i know that i exaggerate. but really.

i should start at the beginning of the hawaiian adventure.

wednesday:
after sleeping for a few hours, i woke up with that christmas day feeling in the pit of my stomach; i--we, by extension--was on the brink of starting an epic journey to hawaii. 4 hours to seattle--which, by the way, was a blue-skied, balmy 60 degrees--followed by 4 hours of painfully expectant waiting, and we were queued up to board the plane. i now know how a mixed drink feels; i would have gladly been stirred, not shaken for 2 hours. seriously, the turbulence was a little excessive.

due to the unpunctual arrival of our plane (and our characteristic frugality), we were forced to come up with a creative way to spend our seven hour layover in honolulu. the solution: luggage carts. the other four fellows (cody, alban, alan, and tommy) opted to stretch out across 3 carts. i, being the individual that i am, decided to try and fold my 6 foot frame onto the four-foot-long luggage cart. needless to say, i didn't sleep well. then again, nobody else did either.

thursday:
after an average of 2 hours of continuous sleep amongst us, we arose before the sun and boarded the plane to kaua'i. again with the turbulence. gosh. as it turns out, our luggage had managed to separate itself from our party, so we spent most of the day waiting in lihu'e. we picked up our rental, which they upgraded to an SUV for free, and began traipsing around the town.
stops:

random circles of disorientation
kaua'i bakery--amazing pastries, hot dang
jamba juice
costco--playing free arcade games...and picking up supplies
airport--luggage, finally
coldstone creamery--one pint later, i was a happy, happy man
some waterfall--pretty corny compared with the iguazu version
highway diner--who says no fish with breakfast, and who says it isn't tasty?
aloha sweet seclusion--home away from home

our lodging is amazing. it has real character, as opposed to the mass produced hotel room. i like it a lot.

i will continue later. dinner is ready. posting pictures for dessert.

overwhelmed by possibility, underwhelmed by ability

2007-01-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

for as long as i can remember, i have been a dreamer. the idea that there exists a realm of possibility, where the only limitation is the breadth and depth of the imagination, captivates me down to the grit at the bottom of my soul. and for just as long as i have been a dreamer, there has been an immense, untraversable gap between the reality in which i find myself, and the kingdom of could-be.

when i overheard someone ask how time is viewed, my imagination immediately took off. for me, the essence of time is an enormous tree, whose seemingly fractal network of branches have no end. we may be born at the trunk, but the bulk of life is spent in the branches; there is only movement upward, and as there are an infinite number of possible destinations, so there is an infinite number of decisions to be made at every split in the branches.

the scariest part for me, is the no-do-over of every decision; to decide inevitably involves forsaking some immediate possibilities. it comes at no surprise, then, that i am at best indecisive, and at my worst...well, i guess, really indecisive.

(don't worry, there is a point to all the existential fluff)

i find myself at a fork with many branches about next year. i was (and still am) really excited about going abroad to france to learn french. there is also the opportunity to apply to study in the middle east and pick up some arabic. i think, however, i have heard God whispering in my ear about next year, that maybe i should be a SM. in truth, the last few days have been sort of strange, feeling like i am pulled in all directions, but really in none at all. i would be a fool to refuse God (if it is his voice i hear). how do i come to terms with putting off/canceling my plans, even though they were at best tentative?

as i am writing this, i am realizing the foolhardiness of praying for guidance and purpose and then considering not heeding the rustling of God in my heart. maybe i have already answered my own question.

the sky was blue today
the kind of deep blue that seeps in the cracks of the mind
and makes the soul hum with possibility
and the heart drift in melodies
of songs yet unsung

to stare so deeply that the
trees in periphery silently dissolve
slinking stealthily into nothing
without blinking until the eyes seem to drown
but i dare not close them

for that moment the blue measures
the infinity of God
(MN)

i've been working on the ra--dio (and still am)

2007-01-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

so i am at work. living it up as a dj. well, i guess i am not really a dj. but it sounds much cooler than radio announcer. that evokes images of a bearded fellow with a deep, british-accented voice. and other than not having shaved yet, the imaginary man and I have very little in common.

i will admit to being slightly bored. thus, i will gift to you a random fact.

fact: "God will lift up your head" by jars of clay definitely has a coldplay-esque feel to it.

i do hope you have been enlightened. if you are bored and a glutton for punishment, you can listen to me announcing for the next hour and a half here.

i will leave you with the following scene from my first week as a janitor.

i was semi-contentedly washing window glass when i heard someone exclaim, 'i ain't have no idea.' grabbing my headphones and my ipod, i filled my ears with a bbc podcast and got the heck outa' dodge. God bless the queen's english, and may God have mercy on our own.

i promise to post something more meaningful later. definitely something other than a near-allergic reaction to bad grammar. gosh.

yesturday's moment of irony

2007-01-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

apparently, in order to apply to be a janitor, i must pass a background check. now, i spent an entire summer working with radioactive phosphorus without any background check. (at least not that i know of) i guess there's a chance that this isn't ironical at all, but the appearance of irony is good enough to make me laugh.

the moral of the story is: people with a criminal record should handle neither vacuums nor bleach, but let 'em have at it with radioactive materials.

now back to my mug of borders chai. sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

you want me to do what with that integral? or, hawaii or bust.

2007-01-08T01:38:00.000-08:00

may i just take a moment to say that the last two weeks have been crazy. now, crazy is a filler word that doesn't really describe much about the last two weeks; i am sure there is some deep linguistic principle rearing its ugly head right now, but i have no idea what it is. that being said, i should probably explain [the last two weeks, that is].

after returning on xmas day to work (barbaric, i know), i spent a week and three days honing my dj skills at the radio station. for a person of few words like myself, it sure is ironic to have to talk in order to get paid. but i digress. i had a fair amount of free time that i should have used more conscientiously, but instead of reviewing calculus, i watched far too many tv shows and let myself be generally apathetic.

come last wednesday, i went to my first class of calculus after a two year absence, and promptly, my rear end was handed to me on a platter. it was a bit surreal, like hearing bits and pieces of a melody and trying desperately to remember how the whole tune goes. i left the class in a stupor. which i shook off in french; have i mentioned how much i love studying languages?

fast forward to thursday night. time for me to crank out some calc homework. i sat and stared at the first problem. and stared. my brain was as empty as brittney spears' intellect. [i should be nice, as that is somebody's mother i am talking about.] [brackets are no place for a social commentary, but does that not bother anyone else? hot dang.]

after daydreaming about taking down library terrorists with only a mechanical pencil and my bravery, and momentarily considering running away to andrews to avoid this impenetrable fortress of an assignment, i realized that i needed help. it took me a while to swallow my pride; normally, i am the type of person that has no problem asking for directions when i am lost, but with something that i am supposed to be good at, like math, heck no. in retrospect, this whole internal dialogue was fruitless because the tlc was closed, but the idea that my pride would keep me from finding a solution was staggering. i didn't think that was really my jam. hmm.

couple all that with the fact that i have been dreaming every night for the last two weeks. and i rarely dream--at night, that is. correction: people always dream, so i guess my problem is in the remembering. or at least it was, before two weeks ago. i wonder if that's the first sign of insanity. hmm.

the times, they are a-changin'. or is it just me?

p.s. to lorelei, katie and lynsye, thanks for the offers. i was reading the rules for the video essay, and it would seem that i have to actually appear on camera with my teammate. barring my visiting someone, or vice-versa, i might have to wait till next year to apply. shoot. but thanks anyway, you gals are swell.

p.p.s. oh yeah, about hawaii. umm, 23 days remaining. goodbye, dub-dub-cee (and what little was in my pockets), hello, kaua'i. i'll explain later.

officially more than half serious

2007-01-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

i have decided to act on a dream. this differs from my usual entertaining notions of grandeur; the vinyl never leaves the sleeve, and the phonograph is never allowed to scratch out beautiful music, that for which the record is designed. i am going to apply for the next amazing race. i don't feel like there is much chance against the multitudes that are probably applying, but i want to act. i actually don't even have a teammate. and the application, along with video essay, are due january 17th. maybe i should have picked a more reasonable dream. the worst that could happen is that i would have to wait for next year to apply again. i'm gonna do it.

uhh, does anyone want to be my running-mate?

back to my japanese roots

2006-12-28T22:58:00.000-08:00

so i am back at the dub-dub-cee. it's really empty. in case you were wondering. i have been here since monday. i am the only one on my hall. did i happen to mention the emptiness of this place?

so far, i have watched a season and a half of ncis. subconsciously, i am trying to squeeze in as much tv as i can before the potential 2007 tv ban goes into effect. i really am considering it. i don't think that it will be that hard. besides, i am tired of laughing out loud with my laptop as company.

which brings me to the haiku, and subsequently, my nonexistent japanese roots. by the way, this doesn't betray any sort of emotional angst. i think it's just my brain protesting the high dosage of idiot box drivel. (it's still a cool show) (stupid brain)
[grin]

laughter alone--what
bittersweet grapefruit enjoyed
an acquired taste

two double-oh-seven, you cannot arrive quick enough.
peas.

the bedtime story. no, the bedtime epic struggle against injustice

2006-12-18T22:53:00.000-08:00

allow me to vent for a few lines. this is a familiar scene when i am on break. its late at night. i pass sleeping mother. after wrinkling the air current currents that move past her (i have no other idea how she always wakes up), our conversation goes like this:

mom: who's that?
me: it's me
mom: is something wrong?
me: no
mom: why are you still up?
me: (desired response: no particular reason. i suppose i am enjoying my exhilarating lack of commitments and responsibilities) [what comes out of my mouth] i dunno
mom: (twinge of annoyance) go to bed; no wonder you wake up so late
me: (internal dialogue: aaarrggghhh, gosh, i have nothing to do tommorrow. i'm 20, which means i think i am capable of choosing my bedtime and the consequences that follow. i mean, honestly; jealous much?)

i love and respect the woman, but i think that we are on vastly different wavelengths. i could probably talk to her about it, but it is way more fun to silently fume and mock her treatment of me.

*creak* [steps down from soapbox]

i have decided, after watching a complete season of the amazing race (numbah 9, in case you wondered), that my goal is to find someone who would want to travel the world--randomly--with me, and after doing so, latch on to her forever. that and she can't be tone deaf. and she should probably know what the word vituperative means. i mean, easy, right?

but seriously, the amazing race is my all-time favorite TV show. i will do what they do on the show one day. minus all the meaningless bickering and butt-biting; it never ceases to amaze me that people on the show, traveling the world for free, are so besotted with winning the million dollars that they forget that they are living a dream. my dream. grrrrr.

question of the day:
could you ever forgive yourself for not following your dreams completely; when does a risk become an irrationality?

duke ellington, or the speed of growing grass

2006-12-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

so instead of studying for my final final (ha), i am sitting here perusing the file cabinets of my brain, attempting to create order amidst the scattered thoughts covered in the dust of apathy.

last night, i had the privilege of attending another ww symphony concert; entitled winter scenes, the performance featured ellington's take on the nutcracker suite, three pieces by d. hymen, and, for the finale, gershwin's an american in paris. the short of it is, i really love jazz. this year, i decided to join the ww jazz ensemble, and it has managed to be the best and worst thing that has happened to me. i say best because it is really fun music, not to mention super difficult. it's the worst because it makes me realize how inadequate of a player i am. every wednesday night, i return to my room hummng the songs and feeling generally miserable; it's a pretty funny juxtaposition, not many people can be humming and miserable at the same time.

i am realizing that i am my own worst critic. and it's not limited to just my trombone playing. for someone like myself who is super laid-back, it seems pretty incongruent that i be so exigent with myself. but i am. and its tough. especially when you are trying to figure out who you are, as I am. in my spare time, i have been reading the book emerging adults and i stumbled across this statement from an interviewee:

every day that i wake up, i learn something new about myself. learning about yourself is a really emotional thing because its like you wake up one day and you think your living the way you want to live, and then the next day you get up and its like, "wait a minute, i'm doing everything wrong. i don't know who i am." and you have to be willing to take that step forward and say, ok, i'm going to get to know myself no matter if its painful or if its going to make me happy. i have to dig deep within myself and figure out who i am. (arnett 197)

this resonates with me deeply. i find myself often in the daily struggle to figure out what makes me tick and figure out how to fix what i don't like. except, i expect the change to be nearly instantaneous. what i heard in a sermon recently--which i believe has more applications than just the christian life--is the idea that God works at the "speed of the farm"; that is to say that change takes time. no one becomes anything meaningful (christian, musician, writer, or otherwise) overnight. it takes patience and intentional care to grow as a person.

i need to accept the speed of the growing grass, as change rarely follows any other timetable; which does not preclude, however, the occasional lawn-mowing or weeding session.

sorry for the book of an entry.

the telephone and arabic verbs

2006-12-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

damn. i hate the telephone.

well, actually i hate the fact that i am super awkward on said device. i think we should all go back to using dixie cups and string. [deep breath to expel frustration]

well, back to arabic verbs.

arabic sentence of the day:

أَنَا عَدَقْتُ عَقْلِي كَذَا أَكْرِبُ حِمَارِي وَأَخْرَجُ وَأَوْجَدُهُ

pronounced: anaa adáktu áklee katha ákribu (h)imáaree wa-ákhraju wa-áwjaduhu
translation: i have lost my mind, so i will hop on my donkey and I will go out and find it.

the busie-body, or tussling in the snow

2006-12-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

i just returned from seeing a play. granted, i have not seen very many plays, but i thought this one was fairly amazing. especially seeing as it was put on by students. the busie-body (s. centlivre), is very similar to the first play i saw, the merry wives of windsor; the two plays center on liberty and self-determination of women and contain a fair amount of satire, to say nothing of good, quality humor. it was one of those experiences that--after all is said and done--becomes a bright spot of joy and memory amidst the monotony of life. i guess it just makes you feel good inside.

i had another one of those moments earlier today. i preface the following with this: i have not had a "winter" in the last 18 months, what with going abroad and all. (ushuaia, although cold, doesn't count)

so i woke up this morning and college place looked like this.

my roomate asks me, "hey, do you want to go sledding?" my first inclination was to say no (accursed introvert that i am), but i said yes. so we drove, along with a bunch of other people, into the blue mountains of oregon. after half an hour, this is what our little piece of the world looked like.

i spent the day (actually, all of two hours) just hanging out in the snow. it made me happy. 'nuff said.

question of the day: why do we say half an hour, as opposed to saying a half hour?

epilogue (or addendum, not sure which)

2006-12-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

i apologize for the last post--removed to save face. comma splices are harder to see at 2 am. even if there are about a million of them. that's what i get for trying to serve leftovers instead of cookin' up some new blog sustenance. oh the shame, oh the shame.

hammer and sickle, whoop-dee-doo.

2006-11-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

i am not sure when i became such a capitalization communist. [shout: equality among letters, bigger's not better] i realize that is crummy grammar, but it is kinda catchy. it is most likely a phase that will fade into obscurity, given enough time. until then, bear with my tyrannical reign over miniscules and miniscules alone.

wow. i managed to write an entire paragraph devoid of any meaningful content. kudos, phil.

it occurred to me today, pretty much no one reads my blog. while any written material finds its highest potential in being read, i think i can be content to write for my own benefit. so, the current news. umm.

oh. i love scrabble. it's a great game. my roomate and i, along with various other persons, have elevated the game to a near-obsession. i think my record is 5 and 4, i have really not been playing well these last few games. which leads me to something that i have been discovering about myself. i realized that when it comes to things that i am not good at naturally, i have no interest or motivation to become better; in fact, i simply give up or avoid the aforementioned thing. some people, when faced with doing something in which they have no particular talent, are motivated by the challenge to learn and succeed. "not i," said the duck. i am a lazy so-and-so (fill in the blank with your favorite pejorative). after the initial shock of realization, it is beginning to annoy me. and annoy me enough to change, or at least give it the old college try (where the heck does that come from anyway?).

two questions and an answer

2006-11-15T00:06:00.000-08:00

in my recent pondering, two questions have arisen. and oh, how they plague me with their unansweredness.

1. how does one separate the God-inspired ideas from the human brain noise?

2. how do we reconcile the desire to follow our dreams with the call to be good stewards of our talents, if they seem to lead in opposite directions?

when I figure out suitable answers, i'll be sure and post them.

oh yeah, i almost forgot about the answer. and no, it's not an answer to the above questions.

so when i heard this physics professor says this, it changed my life. well, that's an exaggeration; it did however, change my immediate reality for the better. and i quote,

well, it [being a physics major] really isn't set in stone, you could always switch back, at most losing only a quarter.

i almost hugged him. luckily for him, i was able to control the urge and spare him and myself some embarassment, considering i just met the guy a week or two ago.

almuerzo. déjeuner. غَدَاء lunch.

2006-11-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

so after this morning's band performance, i was ravenous. having planned ahead for sabbath lunch for once, I promptly went to work on what promised to be the near-highlight of my sabbath. a sandwich

yep, that's an avacado, tomato and boursin cheese sandwich. hot dang, it was good. and by it, i mean all three sandwiches.

[sigh] life is all about the simple, beautiful things.

out a star, but a dead sexy hem indeed

2006-11-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

where to begin? hmm. well, today's hymnfest had been on the music calendar for a while, yet i neglected to put two and two together and realize that i would need something to wear for the aforementioned event. namely a tux, like every good music bunny should know. so i rang my dear mother and she agreed to post it to me. it arrived yesturday. now I knew that the pants were unhemmed, but due to mercury's alignment with the sun (it's true, google it), i decided to not sew.

fast forward to this morning. i woke up at eight forty-five and ate breakfast. then decided that the moment to entertain my secret desire to be a tailor had come. it didn't take that long, something close to forty minutes, but somewhere between the first and second pant leg, i realized that this might not be the ideal sabbath morning activity. thus, i am pretty sure i am out a star from my crown, but, indeed, there are dead sexy hems gracing my tuxedo pant legs.

and no, i don't really have a secret desire to be a tailor. although, at the risk of appearing effeminate, i must admit that i kinda like sewing. there, i said it. so sew me. ha. ha. ha.

simple as hilbert's problems

2006-11-11T00:13:00.000-08:00

i have decided that i cannot complain about my social life (or lack thereof). it occured to me that while i would love to believe that i am somehow a victim of circumstance, what it boils down to is how i choose to live and with whom i choose to interact with. i mean, gosh. here's a straw, phil, suck it up. if i was whining about being too tall or perhaps that the sky is always gray, that would be at least moderately acceptable, albeit still complaining and therefore the bane of my existence.

that's a funny juxtaposition of ideas. to hate complaining and find yourself doing it every once in a while. kinda like how i hate washing dishes, but i hate seeing them lay around dirty and so i end up washing them. damn character building.

oh dear. i feel as though cursing has somehow found itself in my vocabulary. there are so many words in the english language, yet there are very few that have the acute poignancy of foul, four-letter words. it probably doesn't help that i think the f-bomb is the funniest curse word ever. i'm likely going to hell. shoot. as opposed to its dirty cousin of four letters. ha, saved myself there.

so it's coming down to the wire. i have approximately 8 weeks to definitively decide my future/academic fate/major. there will be no turning back. its pretty much down to physics/spanish/min in french or spanish/french/min in chemistry. i suppose the mysterious third option--perhaps a major i am not considering--might rear its ugly head. so if any of you who read this have some insight or perhaps a blood tie to miss cleo and her psychic powers, feel free to advise/prophesy/tocar la guitarra--thats bs for the non hispanohablantes.

and i will leave you with this. prophecy is a noun and prophesy is a verb. i didn't know that. i had to look it up. learn something new every day.