i'm just plain lazy, or the map and a short explanation

Well after four weeks in Asia, one week in Florida, one week in the Caribbean, and almost two weeks at home, I am finally posting. It's likely a bit late as any readers that I might have had prefer to read blogs with regularly produced content. I am content to write for just myself anyway.

The family reunion was a lot of fun. I met branches of the family that I never even knew existed--so many cousins and "cousins." We all got together at a place in Jamaica and enjoyed each other's company along with good food. The other islands that we visited were pretty interesting as well. I loved eating good Mexican food on Cozumel, and I certainly enjoyed visiting Hell (Cayman Islands).

Travelling by boat (or by bus or train) gives me a sense of how big the world is. Travelling around a hundred and twenty land hours across Asia was grueling, but a clear illustration of the size of our planet. I will not take flying for granted anymore. I'm glad I went and I am very glad for good company during the trip.

The other fellas (Alban and Lance) are still travelling. If you are interested, you can read about their adventures here and here, respectively.

So, as I said, I have been home for two weeks. I think the travel bug has settled down for a nice hibernation. Allow me to clear up any doubt: I love being at home and not travelling. I may love being at home too much--the only thing I have really done is search for a job. As of now, I am still unemployed, so that apparently has gone well. [smirk] What I haven't done is use much of the phone to call anyone: friend or otherwise. I'm just plain lazy. And I hate using the telephone. Ugh. Myspace and Facebook have gone much neglected as well. Hay que esforzarse un poco.

I will catch up. Soon.
_____________________________________

Here is the final, updated map:

more...

journals, books, and burritos

I have written on (nearly*) all the pages in my Moleskine journal. This means that for the first time in my life, I have actually filled an entire journal. I still lack consistency: the first page has an entry from August of 2006, and I certainly have not written every day since then. Two hundred and forty pages of bottom-of-the-brain dregs from one and a half years of being alive. 

On top of that, here is another surprising realization. I was curious to know how many books I had read lately so I consulted the list in the back of my Moleskine. Fifteen books in the month of March. [shakes head in incredulity] I have spent a lot of time this month with my eyes firmly nestled in the pages of books. (Is there a better place? Honestly.) Becoming a member of the British library here in Bangkok just may have been one of the best investments of my recent past. Even better than my weekly investment in Mexican food. 

I'd really like to chalk this up as a good month. I think I will. 

Tomorrow starts a new month and a new journal. Good. 

*There are two pages reserved for writing down which books I have read and will read. So I guess that makes two hundred and thirty-eight pages. Eh, close enough for government work.

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coffee insomnia

It's one-thirty in the morning. Having that espresso (and free iced latte chaser) at the neighborhood coffee shop wasn't a good idea. I should know better than to caffeinate myself after six o'clock. [sigh]

My desktop is littered with pages from the academic bulletins of several schools: Walla Walla, Andrews, and UMass. On my real desk, there are pieces of scratch paper covered in calculations and lists and options. I have arrived at a scant two conclusions: one, university is expensive; and, two, I don't know what I want from life. I have neither plan nor goal to organize my life around.

I am listless and frustrated. And I can't sleep. Whatever the opposite of giving up is, that's what I want. To un-give up.

Four and a half hours until tomorrow. Ugh.

mocha for one

As Sunday tradition dictates, I am sitting in a café. I have already finished my mocha, so I am just sitting, thinking, and people watching. There are groups of friends joking and laughing and generally making merry. The couple to my right sit across from one another, one on a laptop, the other pretending to read while actually studying her piece of cheesecake. They exchange occasional looks at one another, but really don't say anything. The pair to my right, wearing coordinated outfits (a little weird), read the newspaper and plink away at some important task on their mobile phones. They talk and make faces at each other, as if invisible to the world. It's kind of cute--err, well, it is, my use of the adjective cute notwithstanding.

I wish I hadn't drank my coffee so fast. But it is hard to drink slowly without the necessary and beautiful interruption of conversation. So I fill my ears with music and think, with intermittent bursts of typing.

I love cafés, but coffee for one is too strong, too bitter.

simple truths

Simple truths that have made themselves apparent to me after almost three months in Thailand:

1. The class right after recess in elementary school should be dreaded--most children take the time to imbibe some sort of sugary treat rather than the expected running around and beating each other up. Selling junk food to kids during recess, while admirable in some entrepreneurial sense, should be outlawed.
2. There is Thai food that I don't like and even think gross. Previously, I thought this impossible. What changed? I tried laap dip. And then I realized it was seasoned raw meat. I should have given it more than a cursory examination. [shudder]
3. Rushing to make semi-complex worksheets in less than a half-hour will always lead to mistakes; not surprisingly, it doesn't matter how many times you check it on the way to the copier.
4. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. (see number three)
5. Procrastination leads to stress, stress to bad sleep, and bad sleep to a poor, leaden (as in not buoyant) attitude. (see number four)
6. If your life depends on arriving someplace in a hurry, going by way of elephant will not only leave you sore, but also dead. But they are fun as heck to ride for ten minutes.
7. One doesn't really think much of the humble textbook unless you find yourself teaching without its help. In all your classes. [muttering]
8. The Internet is an amazing, amazing thing. Without it, I would have no contact with friends or family, no cheap phone calls, no BBC or Garrison Keillor on my iPod, and certainly much less sanity.

In other words, has anyone received a postcard in the mail from me? I'm just curious to know if my novel experimentation with the global postal system has borne any fruit. (borne--now there's a past participle one doesn't use everyday; I had to check the dictionary, good grief)

community

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy; the lack of people to talk to leaves me with the occasional internal monologue that narrates my day. The only time that it gets let out is when I write. There are few people that I easily relate to and even fewer people with a sufficient command of English to have an in-depth conversation. I guess today I am suffering the acute effects of a lack of community. No one asks me how my day is going that really cares about my answer. There is no Thursday night bible study (read: ice cream and chill time with friends) and there is no one to share my free time with (read: no day off camp style). I hate feeling isolated.

I could kick myself for each time I decided to eat by myself in my room at Walla Walla, or opt out of some get together for no good reason. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. It is one thing to choose alone time (albeit a poor choice), it is another thing entirely to have no other option.

This isn't the adventure that I imagined. All the bold explorers had crews or mates or other people in their parties. I always think of Lewis and Clark. Lucky bums. To explore the Northwest with friends and crew. [sigh] Hundreds of years and tens of thousands of miles separate me from their expedition, but it doesn't stop me from being jealous. When I get metaphorically shot in the rump, there is no Clark to pick the buckshot out my arse and give me a band-aid (it's a true story, look it up--except for the band-aid, I think).

I am learning the hard way--or, perhaps I am being taught--the importance of community. No man is an island, and he would be hard pressed to survive as a peninsula. I thought I could handle this. Maybe I can. Just not right now. Not today

time waits for no man

I am laying in bed realizing that there are but 42 short hours until I leave. I am not ready. I repeat, I am not ready. But I did finish my SM letter. Here is a copy. Any feedback is appreciated, especially if you are an astute grammarian.

Time for bed. Peas.

off to thailand, or sweet orange shorts

it' s official. i am going to thailand. aaahhh!! (cry of excitement) to be honest, it has been official since early this week. on tuesday, i went into town--translation: i drove two hours to boston. after a quick jaunt through the dentist's office--uncomfortable discovery: two freakin' cavities--and a brisk flirt with a drill and novocain cocktail (not in that order, i still like my dentist), i was off to buy my ticket before heading to the consulate-general. in and out of the library (free internet) in 20 minutes. minus eight-hundred-odd dollars, that is. and it's only a one way ticket. at this point i can't come back. flipping scary...err, sort of.

so mom and i were jaunting around downtown boston trying to find the blasted consulate. at some point the consulate moved across town, thus there were two addresses listed. arrghhh!! we finally found it (after being told adamantly that the consulate had moved to new york--it hadn't) and i was in and out in less than ten minutes. less than ten minutes!! it was amazing.

i went to quincy market to celebrate and treated myself to my second sushi roll ever (spicy tuna--absolutely delicious) and a slice of white pizza with chicken and broccoli. all things considered, a marvelous afternoon. that is, besides the fact that it cost me about a thousand bucks...including sushi and pizza for 8 bucks.

so in honor of all these new developments, i decided to experiment with watercolors and illustrate a little something. an important discovery: there is a reason that illustrators use waterproof ink--it runs like crazy on low poundage paper. here's the result:


boston to chiang mai, thailand by way of seattle and taipei (quick, name that country). thirty-one plus hours in transit. as alan would say, "a kick in the head."

and that's all folks. except for these sweet orange shorts i found in a drawer. yes, i am rockin' 'em. and no, i probably won't wear them in public. a little short for my liking, especially when sitting. too much information. my bad.

the list, or dial-up no longer

I'm sitting here in my room in my faux papasan chair, thoroughly enjoying a moment of idleness. While the mantra of "so much to do in so little time" still holds true after the madness of school and exams, I am enjoying at least the change of location. It's a comfortable 80 degrees with a light breeze, and I would be outside were it not for the early appearance of mosquitos.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. [figurative leap of joy] We have DSL!! And a wireless router!! NO MORE DIAL-UP!!!

Yes, I really was just shouting...well, sort of.

Let's see, umm, well, what else is going on? I finally narrowed down my list of possibilities for SMing next year (yes, you grammarians out there, I just invented a verb). [sticks out tongue] In case you are curious, here it is:

1. Chiang Mai, Thailand - Teaching ESL
2. Bangkok, Thailand - Teaching ESL
3. Taipei, Taiwan - General HS Assistant
4. Hong Kong, China - Teaching HS Sciences
5. Beijing, China - Teaching ESL

It took me forever to decide the order. And needlessly so, I might add; when I finally emailed my list to the student missions office last tuesday, I had the epiphany that God can surely manage to put me where I need to be in spite of my making a list. That is really comforting. Because along with being a generally indecisive guy and seasoned procrastinator, I am an occasional worrier, mostly about making mistakes. Fortunately, there are few mistakes in life that are irreparable, and of those, fewer are that life-shattering. Now if only I really believed that....

Right-o. Oh yeah, one more thing. I am trying to decide how I should write my fundraising letter. And since I would love to avoid the standard form letter, I have been working on some sketches. Feel free to leave some feedback, be it positive or not.

mid-concert wondering, or Robert Washburn is my hero

I am sitting here in a cathedral writing on an old program while the orchestra weaves an oboe concerto around my head. Its a grand way to warm the ears and soul. I wonder if beautiful music is like incense to God, a sweet fragrance of sound that manages to praise Him despite our involvement.

As I look around, I ask myself if we have lost something of the glory of God in our worship; here in St. Andrew's there is beauty and praise everywhere, from the rich, wine-colored carpet under our feet to the vaulted ceiling high above our heads. Every molding and pane of stained glass stands to portray the glory of God to the believers.

I will admit that I have been asking a lot of questions of myself lately, especially as I am going abroad as an SM (don't ask where, I don't know yet). Questions like what I know of God and whether I truly believe in the God that my culture believes in. I know these are fundamental questions. And maybe I shouldn't be asking them. But I don't want to bear false witness--literally. How can I share what I am not sure I believe? How do I articulate that which I don't understand?

Now the orchestra is playing a sinfonietta composed by some modern or postmodern composer. It is a harsh, syncopated field of bows beating on strings with moments of strong, deep melodic lines. As much as I would like my life, especially in spiritual things, to be smooth as an aria, more often it resembles crazy 20th century music: moments of beautiful melodies amidst much friction and harsh bowing of strings.

And this is where it gets difficult. I would love to wrap up this entry with some great parcel of hope. But I am a realist, striving for optimism while occasionally tripping into pessimism. So I'll say this: The God in whom I believe is big enough for doubts and questions just as He is big enough for beauty and glory. So maybe it's more a grain of truth than a parcel of hope. For now, it suffices.

apparently i need new cologne, or eureka!

I understand now. It must be my cologne (or lack thereof). I have discovered an amazing talent for repelling people. Take for example my studying in the fishbowl--as in right now. When I came in, there were few people and none that I knew. So I sat down by myself. After a while some people that I do know happened in and, lo and behold, they wave hello and sit elsewhere. This happens not just once but multiple times. Same thing happens in chapel. I have plenty of room next to me, but people just wave and pass me by. And the bus, on tour. And the classroom. I am beginning to develop a complex. Either that or a neurosis. Or is that psychosis? Whatever.

I think I am going crazy. A lonely, embittered crazy. And it certainly doesn't help that I am super hungry and everything in College Place is closed. And I am out of jelly for sandwiches. Unfortunately, peanut butter and jelly has become a major food group. So essentially I am spiraling downward into a deep, dark oblivion of despair. Just kidding. But really. I need some jelly.

I quit.

busy, busy, busy; or dancing sprinklers

Another afternoon in the studio. While I wouldn't count this as free time, it certainly has plenty of slow moments. As I am writing this, I am thinking about the last two weeks and the abject lack of anything to blog about. Usually I have something stewing in my brain every couple of days, but, sadly, I have had nothing. The fact that I am much more busy this quarter may have something to do with it. I decided to join choir and I Cantori this quarter, in addition to working just under twenty hours a week to pay for school. So between the music department and my jobs (and fierce independent streak), I am pretty much not my own. Don't mistake this for a complaint; it is merely an explanation for my checked-outedness and elusivity (I sure hope that is a word--I'm pretty sure there are rules against two made-up words in a sentence) for those you that are around me. If nothing else, this quarter I am better learning to manage my time. I am pretty sure that is the only way that I can survive with my gpa semi-intact. The only problem is trying to fit all the things and people that are important into the time that I have.

Actually, now that I am taking the time to write, things are starting to emerge from the murky depths of my brain. The week before last, before I realized that procrastination would be my undoing, there were a good number of late nights (now that's an ironic adjective--late nights spent studying are rarely good). As I was walking back from the fishbowl at two a.m., I just stopped and watched the sprinklers. Now it could be just a product of my eccentric brain, but i thought they were beautiful. The night was cold and crisp and the jets of water danced slowly over the moonlit green; the hiss of flowing water was quiet, just a whisper against the silence of early morning. It filled me with peace--albeit twinged with fatigue. It's the sort of moment you wish you could have shared with someone. Too bad all the sane people were in bed. Though, I admit, I would have even enjoyed the company of someone a bit less than sane.

I suppose that is the worst thing I have discovered about being busy: you are always occupied, but most often by yourself. It's pretty lame and I am not sure how to fix it. So that's the update.

Peas.

competing visions of hell

in my warped mind, hell is

a) an enormous music rehersal, in which you are the last act to practice. the number of groups before you is infinite and time passes slowly whilst you sit in limbo, instrument in hand, vaciliating between staying and leaving, being ready and missing your chance. you are hardly more useful than a human vegetable.

b)having your hands tied behind your back while wearing a one hundred percent wool sweater with no undershirt in a hot room where the windows don't open.

i think b is worse, although i hate long, drawn-out dress rehersals. what's the point of this rather gloomy post? i am just trying to make myself feel better about studying in the fishbowl by myself after midnight. [sigh] it's pretty miserable. but it sure beats hell by a long shot.

there must be a better way to study.

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damn the demons, or happiness is not an empty laundry basket

today was a day when all my shortcomings decided to attend a conference, from which they promptly sent me a manifesto containing a concise definition of who i am and a list of that which i impotently strive after. i am ready to throw in the towel and go on vacation. an inconvenient truth, however, is the certainty that you follow yourself wherever you go. thus, the impulse to run away is irrational, and basically no better than chasing your own tail. yeah. ask a dog; while entertaining (read: distracting), the best case scenario ends with you biting your own butt.

i'd like to ban my shortcomings from free speech. just thought i'd throw it out there. usually, when the fault squad shows up, i begin to clean. call me neurotic (as opposed to psychotic--seriously, look it up), call the cleaning a form of escapism, fine, but i am not crazy. there is a distinction. besides, i find it mildly cathartic to tidy up where i live. actually, i am aching to clean right now. statement of fact: this translates to the fact that i am stressed, and really annoyed with myself because the stress is self-induced.

gosh. and yes, that was a euphemism. damn those demons. and that would be a dysphemism.

[insert horrible segue] i was doing laundry today, and i spotted the following maxim on the box of powdery all:

happiness is an empty laundry basket.

after a bit of contemplation, i realized that the phrase was complete bull. unless one's laundry is done completely in the nude, you will always have dirty clothes, and, subsequently, a laundry basket that is somewhat less than empty. all in all, it appears that happiness is unattainable, at least as it pertains to laundry. i am ok with that. i strongly dislike laundry anyways.

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

i am clinging to the hope that everything's not lost.

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like van gogh's starry night skies, my mind swirls

it's just after eleven p.m. here on the west coast. it was a crazy day. i slept, maybe, a little over an hour last night. which i am sure served to make today just that much crazier.
today, i...

1. sat for a spanish test--stayed up all night studying--that took me four minutes to finish. yeah, i'm bitter.
2. rushed to finish the last bits of french homework before eleven a.m. i didn't make the deadline. but there was grace. and the church said amen.
3. was accosted on the way to lunch, and forced to attend i cantori practice. it was pretty cool, albeit surreal, to be back in a choir setting again. i guess i am seriously considering joining.
4. had a voice check for the radio. apparently things are going swimmingly. i have a cool boss.
5. discovered, which left me rather dumbfounded, that my photo assignment this week was off-campus. so i bummed a ride from my roommate, and promptly got lost in WW looking for the silly holiday inn express (mutter/mumur). however, any annoyance with my abject lack of an internal compass was assuaged by the thought that i might have my first picture in the collegian tomorrow. woot woot.
6. worked. as a janitor. in the wec. sentence fragments. i know. it's for emphasis. on how much i love it. [sarcasm]
7. played in jazz ensemble. it is the highlight of my wednesday.
8. tried to practice, but i was tragically locked away from my trombone. too bad i have a lesson tomorrow. may the music gods smile on me. maybe i should burn a cd to garner blessings. [snicker]
9. was forced out of my state of indecisive complacency about this summer. at around ten o'clock in the evening. imagine that.
10. am sitting at my desk, blogging instead of sleeping.

i am realizing that there are a great many things that i must do before the end of the week. but my soul is not despondent; in fact, i feel a funny sense of contentment. is this what happens every time you successfully make a decision? well, snap. sign me up for a lifetime of decision making. (to self: relax, homey. idealism is soo overrated these days. you are an incorrigible indecisive. embrace it.)

wow. time for sleep. before any other strange blips from my brain escape through my fingertips.

one last thing:
from last thursday's bbc podcast. a discussion about cosmopolitan magazine and its fixation on sex, rather than its original purpose of content that would empower women. in a moment of verbal acuity, columnist caroll saala states, "it's like walking into a gynecologist conference, without the brain power." i laughed for a good two minutes. by the end of the segment, the editor representing the magazine was tending the wounds effected by the columnist's sharp wit. it was great.

ode to cradle roll, or kauai (part 2)

instead of tackling the formidable list of things that i need to do before week's end, i am formulating a post, whilst giving the ears a good soak in some ellington. in reality i'm just medicating myself; i think its a combination of acute blue-sky withdrawal, stress over how i will get everything done, and preoccupations about this summer and the school year to follow.

it's not as bad as it sounds. on some subconscious level, i know that there are sunny days coming, that somehow i will get everything done in time, and that worrying about a future that is divinely taken care of is pure foolishness. but i am a grade a worrier and old habits die hard, as you may gather.

but enough banter. i should finish recounting the adventure.

friday:

the beach. almost enough said. deliciously warm water--the color blue rivaled only by the finest aquamarine. as a chaser to the briny marinade, a good soak in the sun accompanied by a good book*. who could ask for anything more?

*status anxiety, alain de botton; when i get a chance, more shall be written.

saturday (or whatever else you would like to name it) (as not to offend the pygmy jewish eskimos)

late morning. the soundtrack of the river behind our house providing the perfect accompaniment to a bowl of granola. we headed to church, only to find ourselves arriving just in time for sabbath school. it was one of those strange churches where sabbath school comes after church. what odd ducks! i mean honestly, it's the like the 4th law of inertia: for every sabbath school in motion, there is a greater service that must and does follow at precisely 11 o'clock.

after about five minutes of adult ss, i heard--with great envy--the invisible waves of fun emanating from the cradle roll room across the courtyard. oh for the days when all you needed to know about the christian walk could be summed up on a felt board with a few cheerful songs and great noisemakers. [sigh] there was a pretty spanking potluck. after which, we headed to the beach. all things considered, a very good day.


this wasn't meant to be a three-part series about kauai, but i must go to the stack of homework. before i leave, here's a small dose of alexander pope. [don't worry, i am not that well read; it's from a quality film i finished today]

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd ...(207-209)

question of the day: sometimes it is tempting to want to forget, but is it really what we want?

overwhelmed by possibility, underwhelmed by ability

for as long as i can remember, i have been a dreamer. the idea that there exists a realm of possibility, where the only limitation is the breadth and depth of the imagination, captivates me down to the grit at the bottom of my soul. and for just as long as i have been a dreamer, there has been an immense, untraversable gap between the reality in which i find myself, and the kingdom of could-be.

when i overheard someone ask how time is viewed, my imagination immediately took off. for me, the essence of time is an enormous tree, whose seemingly fractal network of branches have no end. we may be born at the trunk, but the bulk of life is spent in the branches; there is only movement upward, and as there are an infinite number of possible destinations, so there is an infinite number of decisions to be made at every split in the branches.

the scariest part for me, is the no-do-over of every decision; to decide inevitably involves forsaking some immediate possibilities. it comes at no surprise, then, that i am at best indecisive, and at my worst...well, i guess, really indecisive.

(don't worry, there is a point to all the existential fluff)

i find myself at a fork with many branches about next year. i was (and still am) really excited about going abroad to france to learn french. there is also the opportunity to apply to study in the middle east and pick up some arabic. i think, however, i have heard God whispering in my ear about next year, that maybe i should be a SM. in truth, the last few days have been sort of strange, feeling like i am pulled in all directions, but really in none at all. i would be a fool to refuse God (if it is his voice i hear). how do i come to terms with putting off/canceling my plans, even though they were at best tentative?

as i am writing this, i am realizing the foolhardiness of praying for guidance and purpose and then considering not heeding the rustling of God in my heart. maybe i have already answered my own question.

the sky was blue today
the kind of deep blue that seeps in the cracks of the mind
and makes the soul hum with possibility
and the heart drift in melodies
of songs yet unsung

to stare so deeply that the
trees in periphery silently dissolve
slinking stealthily into nothing
without blinking until the eyes seem to drown
but i dare not close them

for that moment the blue measures
the infinity of God
(MN)

i've been working on the ra--dio (and still am)

so i am at work. living it up as a dj. well, i guess i am not really a dj. but it sounds much cooler than radio announcer. that evokes images of a bearded fellow with a deep, british-accented voice. and other than not having shaved yet, the imaginary man and I have very little in common.

i will admit to being slightly bored. thus, i will gift to you a random fact.

fact: "God will lift up your head" by jars of clay definitely has a coldplay-esque feel to it.

i do hope you have been enlightened. if you are bored and a glutton for punishment, you can listen to me announcing for the next hour and a half here.

i will leave you with the following scene from my first week as a janitor.

i was semi-contentedly washing window glass when i heard someone exclaim, 'i ain't have no idea.' grabbing my headphones and my ipod, i filled my ears with a bbc podcast and got the heck outa' dodge. God bless the queen's english, and may God have mercy on our own.

i promise to post something more meaningful later. definitely something other than a near-allergic reaction to bad grammar. gosh.

you want me to do what with that integral? or, hawaii or bust.

may i just take a moment to say that the last two weeks have been crazy. now, crazy is a filler word that doesn't really describe much about the last two weeks; i am sure there is some deep linguistic principle rearing its ugly head right now, but i have no idea what it is. that being said, i should probably explain [the last two weeks, that is].

after returning on xmas day to work (barbaric, i know), i spent a week and three days honing my dj skills at the radio station. for a person of few words like myself, it sure is ironic to have to talk in order to get paid. but i digress. i had a fair amount of free time that i should have used more conscientiously, but instead of reviewing calculus, i watched far too many tv shows and let myself be generally apathetic.

come last wednesday, i went to my first class of calculus after a two year absence, and promptly, my rear end was handed to me on a platter. it was a bit surreal, like hearing bits and pieces of a melody and trying desperately to remember how the whole tune goes. i left the class in a stupor. which i shook off in french; have i mentioned how much i love studying languages?

fast forward to thursday night. time for me to crank out some calc homework. i sat and stared at the first problem. and stared. my brain was as empty as brittney spears' intellect. [i should be nice, as that is somebody's mother i am talking about.] [brackets are no place for a social commentary, but does that not bother anyone else? hot dang.]

after daydreaming about taking down library terrorists with only a mechanical pencil and my bravery, and momentarily considering running away to andrews to avoid this impenetrable fortress of an assignment, i realized that i needed help. it took me a while to swallow my pride; normally, i am the type of person that has no problem asking for directions when i am lost, but with something that i am supposed to be good at, like math, heck no. in retrospect, this whole internal dialogue was fruitless because the tlc was closed, but the idea that my pride would keep me from finding a solution was staggering. i didn't think that was really my jam. hmm.

couple all that with the fact that i have been dreaming every night for the last two weeks. and i rarely dream--at night, that is. correction: people always dream, so i guess my problem is in the remembering. or at least it was, before two weeks ago. i wonder if that's the first sign of insanity. hmm.

the times, they are a-changin'. or is it just me?

p.s. to lorelei, katie and lynsye, thanks for the offers. i was reading the rules for the video essay, and it would seem that i have to actually appear on camera with my teammate. barring my visiting someone, or vice-versa, i might have to wait till next year to apply. shoot. but thanks anyway, you gals are swell.

p.p.s. oh yeah, about hawaii. umm, 23 days remaining. goodbye, dub-dub-cee (and what little was in my pockets), hello, kaua'i. i'll explain later.

officially more than half serious

i have decided to act on a dream. this differs from my usual entertaining notions of grandeur; the vinyl never leaves the sleeve, and the phonograph is never allowed to scratch out beautiful music, that for which the record is designed. i am going to apply for the next amazing race. i don't feel like there is much chance against the multitudes that are probably applying, but i want to act. i actually don't even have a teammate. and the application, along with video essay, are due january 17th. maybe i should have picked a more reasonable dream. the worst that could happen is that i would have to wait for next year to apply again. i'm gonna do it.

uhh, does anyone want to be my running-mate?